Jokes Thread

[The Outback Oracle]

Re: Jokes Thread

This is pretty old but it seems pretty topical

http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/ceonistas.shtml

Click the home page. There are quite few good commentaries.
Being an Aussie the one on moving Australia sounds pretty accurate!

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

CNBC anchor to his colleague: 'Dick, oh my God, you're not going to believe this, it's just come in on the wires. "US government to take over Goldman Sachs".

Dick goes pale, undoes his tie, and starts hyperventilating. 'It's over, the whole shooting match, we're cooked. I just can't believe it...it's the end of capitalism. Sell everything.'

'Wait Dick, just hold on there, they just issued a correction; now it says "Goldman Sachs to take over the US government'.

Dick recovers his composure. 'Jeez, you had me going there, so what they paying?'

[GRG55]

Re: Jokes Thread

Time for another installment from Andy Borowitz:

McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair

Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say



In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."

"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience in Dayton, Ohio. "It's time to send a message to those in power - those Republicans in Washington, those old white men with their combed-over white hair."

Sen. McCain went on to attack the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."

"The time has come to say enough is enough to those rich old white men," he said. "And the same goes to their zombie-like trophy wives who plaster their makeup on like trollops."

Responding to the nation's economic turmoil, Sen. McCain said that as President he would create millions of jobs "by putting Americans to work making negative ads."

"We no longer lead the world in manufacturing cars, steel, or computers," Sen. McCain said. "But our negative ad industry is second to none."

In other economic news, President Bush announced another massive bailout today, saying that he had completed a deal for China to buy the United States in its entirety.

"This was a difficult deal to pull off," Mr. Bush acknowledged. "The hard part was identifying the parts of the U.S. that China didn't already own."

[we_are_toast]

Re: Jokes Thread

Some humor from NPR's Marketplace.

• 5. I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.
• 4. Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word: Goodbye.
• 3. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on Sunday.
• 2. What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: $3.50.

And the No. 1 financial crisis joke of the week is …
Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common? A: Synchronized diving!

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

A STOCK MARKET FROM HELL - 2008

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

Hahaha! those are good Lukester.

[don]

Current Variation

The other day I went downtown to

see what few funds were left me at the bank.

After that trip I needed something

sweet at my local coffee shop.

I had a jelly donut

but it wasn’t enough.

When I came out, there was this

cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how

about giving a

working man a break'?

He ignored me and continued

writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed

me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote

out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him

a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He

finished the second ticket and put it

on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I

called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the

more tickets he wrote.

The Mercedes was festooned in citations.

Personally, I felt great. I

came downtown on the

bus, and the car that

he was putting the tickets on

had a bumper sticker that read,

'Where Wealth Is Earned: Goldman Sachs'

I try to have a little fun each day now

that I'm broke.

The doctor tells me that it's

important for my health.

[bart]

Re: Jokes Thread

Thought for the day:
What's the difference between investment bankers and pigeons? Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.




Quote of the month:
This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.

[grapejelly]

Re: Jokes Thread

The Soviets had a reputation for weird science. Remember Psychic Discoveries Behind the Iron Curtain? Anyhoo, a small group of scientists were working on human powered flight, unencumbered with any special equipment.

At a party one night, groups of scientists got together. A nuclear scientist said to Sasha, the head of the human powered flight group, "so, have you flown yet?"

Sasha said, "yes, a little, not far but a little."

"Really," the nuclear guy said. "Would you care to demonstrate?"

Everyone gathered around expecting a bit of fun.

Sasha spread his arms out, waved them around, kung fu style, this way and that way. He flapped them up and down a bit. And suddenly, he was levitating, inches then a few feet from the ground! As he moved his arms he lurched into the air and forward until he hit the wall and sank.

There was a stunned silence.

The nuclear scientist said, "well, that was okay for a start, but you only flew a few feet."

Then everyone forgot about it and continued their conversation.

[we_are_toast]

Re: Jokes Thread

Political humor;

Turn your sound up, move your mouse around the room and click on everything that is clickable.

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Here's the Jokes thread! :confused: Ah! hahahahaha!

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

Three doctors are bragging about their country's medical achievements. The Israeli doctor starts by saying "medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him up and looking for work in six weeks".

The German doctor says "that's nothing, in Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".

Not to be out done the English doctor says, "we can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street, and have half the f**king country looking for work within 24 hours".

[Supercilious]

Re: Jokes Thread

Sarko and Vice President Milfalin:

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

moved down to bottom of thread

[Guest]

Re: Jokes Thread

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills.


They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage. But no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: first the water meter, then outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc. -- all to no avail.


One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity.

Now watch attached video

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIVsZRPx_Dw