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It was a Sunday afternoon, and Hmph and Co-Hmph were reading their newspapers in the park.
"Coffee is cold again today," Hmph observed. Co-Hmph pretended not to hear. "Hmph! They never make it how I like it," Hmph stated.
"Do you perhaps think taking coffee orders is a matter of national security and/or interest?" Co-Hmph replied sarcastically.
Hmph was engrossed in an article and didn't catch the sarcasm. "Now here's a statement I can agree with: World President Kloan says here, 'What good is freedom without security?' I'd pay twenty carbon credits to hear him speak again," Hmph remarks.
"Co-Hmph! Twenty days in the factory to hear Kloan? I'll pass, thank you." Co-Hmph shook his head. "Besides, you don't have clearance to even go to a Green Zone since you spoke publicly about Canned Meal. By the way, will you eat yours today? I know at first I'd agreed with you, but now I'm beginning to tolerate them and it pains me to watch you choke them down."
Hmph was indignant. "Hmph! Share my Canned Meal with a Dumbocrat!"
"Co-Hmph! I've changed my mind anyhow. It's easy to lose one's appetite conversing with a Redumbagain."
There is silence for a moment as a plane flies overhead. Several minutes later Hmph appears to have dandruff and a light layer of creamer in his coffee. Co-Hmph begins sneezing incessantly.
"Co-Hmph! I don't understand all this sneezing. There are no plants or flowers here. Not much of a park really, when you start to think about what parks were like when we were boys."
"Hmph! You should really keep that racket down. They'll start to think you'll pass an infection in the factory, and then you'll really be in for it. Now that I think of it, you should have seen a doctor for those allergies back when you were in the Green Zone."
"Co-Hmph! I'll have you know I was savvy enough to do just that, saw one just days before the Security and Prosperity Amendment was passed and waits went to six months, but besides pollen all he said I'm allergic to is barrium and aluminum."
Hmph! Nonsense. There'd be none of those here." Hmph sipped his coffee as two planes which had been slowly crawling the sky all afternoon left exhaust patterns forming a white puffy 'X' over their heads. Co-Hmph sneezed.
As the patterns formed above them a man by the West fence pulled a small blue book from his jacket, his eyes darting suspiciously as he opened it to read.
"Co-Hmph!" Co-Hmph let out between sneezes. "That man looks suspicious."
"Hmph! I'll say he does. He looks like he's reading, but that's too small a book to be approved."
"Well, it's certainly not an article from the One World View. I'd have read it. I've read them all since they removed the Seattle Times, and I've not seen a small blue article. Besides, the paper is to be destroyed every day. Written material can be twisted for terrorist propoganda, they say," Co-Hmph observed.
"Hmph! That settles it then. I'll go and speak to the guards. It's our duty, you know, to tell them. The...oh Krakatoa, what was it, the "Operation Vigilant Citizen Act."
"Right, right. Go ahead then, let them know," Co-Hmph acquiesced.
Hmph informed a World Security Patrolmen (WSP or 'Wasps' as they'd began to be known). He immediately radioed for backup. Within moments, half a dozen Wasps rushed to apprehend the reader at the fence.
"Wait a minute!" the man seemed stunned. "What am I being apprehended for? I'm a law-abiding World Citizen!"
"You are in possession of Anti-State Propoganda," one Wasp informed the man.
"It's the United States Constitution!" the man shouted. "We're in the United States!"
"This book is not on the approved list in Sector 14 of the World Delta Region Yellow Zone," the Wasp informed without expression.
"I want to speak to my attorney!" the man yelled, defiantly.
"You have been found guilty of Code 147 by Vigilant Citizen Hmph, witnessed by Vigilant Citizen Co-Hmph. World recording will show World Units Y2470653856 and Y352789144 were present for the trial and removal of the guilty."
"Hmph! I hate when they call me that, Y247 something something or other. As if I'm just a number to be tracked."
"Co-Hmph," Co-Hmph agreed with brevity.
The man was summarily handcuffed, gagged and hauled away. The Wasps got in their World Security Patrol vehicle and turned on their red lights to inform the area's population that a citizen was being sent to the Red Zone, which had its effect of maintaining order.
"He was probably a Dumbocrat."
"Co-Hmph! From what I could tell he had all the miserable makings of a Redumbagain." Since time immemorial Dumbocrats and Redumbagains had insisted on the other being the source of all world problems and discontent at large.
There was silence for a moment, as another puffy 'X' began to form in the blue sky above them.
Suddenly Hmph spoke up. "Do you ever wish you could just get in your old Ford, drive to the ocean, get out and put our feet in the sand? You know, like in the old days?"
Co-Hmph sat silent. He lowered his paper and turned towards the West fence, beyond which, maybe 40 or 50 miles, lay the Pacific Ocean. No Yellow Zones bordered or overlapped any major water formations: oceans, rivers or lakes.
"I'll bet that's what Hmph Jr is doing right now," Hmph imagined. "Boy, some shining example, that boy. Co-Hmph, did I ever tell you the story about how he became a Citizen One?"
"Co-Hmph! If I ever hear that story aga..."
Hmph cut him off to begin. "Well it goes like this. Hmph Jr was seeing this real nice girl Anna, and she was only a junior at the Seattle branch of World University, but my Hmph Jr was a senior. And he'd just gotten elected Student Body President on account of his smarts and good looks. He takes after his pops, you know."
Co-Hmph only rolled his eyes.
"And so Hmph Jr got this idea, having saved over 500 carbon credits working 95 hour weeks at the factory and only eating State supply food, no meats, not driving a car, just the little things people do to get ahead these days, right? Well so he's gonna pay the 1000 credits for Anna to begin Homelife. Greatly discouraged these days, Homelife. But he’s on and on with Anna about why it’s still a viable idea cause he's got plans to get married and start a family, like people used to do in the old days. Can you believe that? Old fashioned kid, takes after his pops right? Wants to start a family like he's some Citizen One or something." Hmph and Co-Hmph both chuckled at this idea.
"Well, so can you believe it, Anna agrees on it being a good idea, and they're engaged." Hmph smiles widely at this. "Real nice girl - would have been a great mother if I don't say so myself."
"Oh yes, a good mother, if you don't say so yourself. Co-Hmph!"
"Right. Well Hmph Jr makes the proper petition to Green Zone Authority 14, and after seeing that he's Student Body President and wanting to start a family, they counter-offered in less than two months..."
"I still take exception to that fact, every time you tell the story. I do not recall Green Authority 14 or any other Authority I've read about in One World View having answered a petition for marriage with such speed. Likely a fabrication..."
"...in less than two months, they offered him one thousand carbon credits and Citizen One status for both him and Anna if they would marry and go through with State sterilization. Which they did." Hmph sighed at this. "Well, shining examples, those two..."
"Co-Hmph! Maybe your shining example can get us Green Zone clearance for a day so I can go fishing and you can dip your old wrinkled toes in the ocean mist."
"Hmph! You're only jealous that you took the carbon credits for state sterilization when you were a boy and were never offered Citizen One status yourself." Hmph was smug. "Besides, you know only a Global Authority can give Green Zone clearance once you end up in one of these Yellow Zones."
"Co-Hmph! Ironic that an ordinary World Unit such as yourself can send a man to the Red Zone but it takes a Global Authority to give a man Green Zone clearance to go fishing."
"It's in the interest of Global Security. Now you know better, Co-Hmph, than to talk that way. And for what it's worth sometimes I'm convinced things seem safer with the Global Security Patrol. When was the last time you heard about a suspicious package at a public location? Those packages always did worry me, even if nothing came of them.”
Both were quiet for a moment.
“So then we're much more secure, and as World President Kloan said in the One World View today, what is freedom without security?"
Co-Hmph bristled at this comment. "My freedom goes to the next checkpoint or to that fence over there, and I'm as secure as any man's suspicions about my security,” Co-Hmph whispered, just loud enough to be heard by his acquaintance.
"Hmph! Now what is that supposed to mean?" Hmph's face grew red with anger.
"I'll tell you precisely what it means, you dumb Redumbagain!" Co-Hmph's voice elevated to a startling pitch. "It means the moment I suspect you as a terrorist or a threat to Global Security or a dissenter of the One World View or a critic of Global Coffee Company or our tasty Canned Meals, your freedom and security are worthless!"
"Hmph! Now that sounds uniquely like the idea of a Dumbocrat. Or perhaps a terrorist empathizer!"
A World Security Patrolman looks toward Hmph and Co-Hmph, who are so engaged in their heated argument they fail to notice.
"Co-Hmph! I might equally suspect you as a terrorist empathizer for your feelings about Canned Meal and Global Coffee! These are State entities, and as such your sentiments undermine the State, therefore undermining Global Security itself! How do you like that idea?"
World Security Patrolmen, standing within hearing distance on the other side of the Yellow Zone park, did not in fact like any of these ideas, and radioed a full patrol of Wasps for backup. A dozen or more guards moved in briskly to apprehend Hmph and Co-Hmph.
Hmph and Co-Hmph are startled when the guards begin to seize them, thinking as the guards neared they were simply drilling or passing by to arrest criminals or terrorists.
"Hmph! What's the big idea here, boys?"
"Co-Hmph! Who sent you boys? There's been a mixup here, but this can all be sorted out. If you'll kindly take your hands off me, I'll be quick to show evidence that we're the Chairmen of the Dumbocrat and Redumbagain Parties, Yellow Zone, Sector 14, respectively speaking of course." The guards were starting to struggle with the old men, apparently not having thought they'd be much trouble.
"Hmph! Now wait a minute boys, check our Globals IDs! Yellow Zone, Sector 14. We were Yellowed only for my remarks that those crumby Canned Meals taste like cardboard, and Co-Hmph here for having agreed with me!" The guards finally take both men's legs out from under them, sending them both straight to the hard dirt and brown grass floor. "Ugh! Now watch it there! You don't know who you're roughing up, you hooligans! We're US Patriots!"
A young patrol leader steps up from behind the others, with a digital device he seems to be scribbling notes into. "Negative. You've both been found guilty of Code 1, Suspicion of Global Security Endangerment, which results in both your rights being revoked."
"Co-Hmph! Guilty! Who is my accuser?"
The young patrol leader again responds. "Vigilant Citizen Hmph and Vigilant Citizen Co-Hmph, respectively, are the accusers. And you both serve as witnesses for World recording purposes for each other's crimes, and resulting removal from the Yellow Zone. Global Security requires you both be immediately relocated to the Red Zone."
"Hmph! Everybody knows the Red Zone is for criminals and terrorists! We're hardly a threat to Global Security, much less one of the former!" Hmph and Co-Hmph were startled in disbelief, half attempting to keep their cool and half fighting off the men pinning them to the dirt.
"We have orders to maintain security for Global Citizens, and our orders cannot be questioned. This security allows Green Zone citizens and compliant Yellow Zone citizens to maintain their freedom."
Suddenly, with a fluid evasive maneuver which would have been surprising for a man half his age, Co-Hmph shook the men off his back and scurried up, pulling a formerly concealed small pointed stick from his pocket. The Wasps instantly drew their guns. His wrinkled hand shaking, Co-Hmph defiantly pointed the stick at them, as crowds of onlookers began to watch from a distance.
"Co-Hmph! and Co-Hmph again! It appears security does not at all maintain freedom but that our former freedoms maintained security!"
At this a Wasp shot a bullet at Co-Hmphs right calf, sending him crumbling to the ground, after which another Wasp ran forward to kick him in the head. Then the group as a whole pressed the men to the dirt, handcuffed Hmph and Co-Hmph, gagged them both, and threw them in the back of a large white World Security Patrol van. The red lights came on, and the crowd of people looked over, some appearing terrified, as the Chairpersons of the Dumbocratic and Redumbagain Parties were being sent to the Red Zone.
The van proceeded past the fence clearance, past the checkpoint outside the fence, and again past a further checkpoint heading towards the super-highway. As the red lights grew dim and the sirens grew quiet, the Yellow Zone citizens quietly slurped their Canned Meals and shivered from terror from under slow formations of a white, fluffy X.
"Coffee is cold again today," Hmph observed. Co-Hmph pretended not to hear. "Hmph! They never make it how I like it," Hmph stated.
"Do you perhaps think taking coffee orders is a matter of national security and/or interest?" Co-Hmph replied sarcastically.
Hmph was engrossed in an article and didn't catch the sarcasm. "Now here's a statement I can agree with: World President Kloan says here, 'What good is freedom without security?' I'd pay twenty carbon credits to hear him speak again," Hmph remarks.
"Co-Hmph! Twenty days in the factory to hear Kloan? I'll pass, thank you." Co-Hmph shook his head. "Besides, you don't have clearance to even go to a Green Zone since you spoke publicly about Canned Meal. By the way, will you eat yours today? I know at first I'd agreed with you, but now I'm beginning to tolerate them and it pains me to watch you choke them down."
Hmph was indignant. "Hmph! Share my Canned Meal with a Dumbocrat!"
"Co-Hmph! I've changed my mind anyhow. It's easy to lose one's appetite conversing with a Redumbagain."
There is silence for a moment as a plane flies overhead. Several minutes later Hmph appears to have dandruff and a light layer of creamer in his coffee. Co-Hmph begins sneezing incessantly.
"Co-Hmph! I don't understand all this sneezing. There are no plants or flowers here. Not much of a park really, when you start to think about what parks were like when we were boys."
"Hmph! You should really keep that racket down. They'll start to think you'll pass an infection in the factory, and then you'll really be in for it. Now that I think of it, you should have seen a doctor for those allergies back when you were in the Green Zone."
"Co-Hmph! I'll have you know I was savvy enough to do just that, saw one just days before the Security and Prosperity Amendment was passed and waits went to six months, but besides pollen all he said I'm allergic to is barrium and aluminum."
Hmph! Nonsense. There'd be none of those here." Hmph sipped his coffee as two planes which had been slowly crawling the sky all afternoon left exhaust patterns forming a white puffy 'X' over their heads. Co-Hmph sneezed.
As the patterns formed above them a man by the West fence pulled a small blue book from his jacket, his eyes darting suspiciously as he opened it to read.
"Co-Hmph!" Co-Hmph let out between sneezes. "That man looks suspicious."
"Hmph! I'll say he does. He looks like he's reading, but that's too small a book to be approved."
"Well, it's certainly not an article from the One World View. I'd have read it. I've read them all since they removed the Seattle Times, and I've not seen a small blue article. Besides, the paper is to be destroyed every day. Written material can be twisted for terrorist propoganda, they say," Co-Hmph observed.
"Hmph! That settles it then. I'll go and speak to the guards. It's our duty, you know, to tell them. The...oh Krakatoa, what was it, the "Operation Vigilant Citizen Act."
"Right, right. Go ahead then, let them know," Co-Hmph acquiesced.
Hmph informed a World Security Patrolmen (WSP or 'Wasps' as they'd began to be known). He immediately radioed for backup. Within moments, half a dozen Wasps rushed to apprehend the reader at the fence.
"Wait a minute!" the man seemed stunned. "What am I being apprehended for? I'm a law-abiding World Citizen!"
"You are in possession of Anti-State Propoganda," one Wasp informed the man.
"It's the United States Constitution!" the man shouted. "We're in the United States!"
"This book is not on the approved list in Sector 14 of the World Delta Region Yellow Zone," the Wasp informed without expression.
"I want to speak to my attorney!" the man yelled, defiantly.
"You have been found guilty of Code 147 by Vigilant Citizen Hmph, witnessed by Vigilant Citizen Co-Hmph. World recording will show World Units Y2470653856 and Y352789144 were present for the trial and removal of the guilty."
"Hmph! I hate when they call me that, Y247 something something or other. As if I'm just a number to be tracked."
"Co-Hmph," Co-Hmph agreed with brevity.
The man was summarily handcuffed, gagged and hauled away. The Wasps got in their World Security Patrol vehicle and turned on their red lights to inform the area's population that a citizen was being sent to the Red Zone, which had its effect of maintaining order.
"He was probably a Dumbocrat."
"Co-Hmph! From what I could tell he had all the miserable makings of a Redumbagain." Since time immemorial Dumbocrats and Redumbagains had insisted on the other being the source of all world problems and discontent at large.
There was silence for a moment, as another puffy 'X' began to form in the blue sky above them.
Suddenly Hmph spoke up. "Do you ever wish you could just get in your old Ford, drive to the ocean, get out and put our feet in the sand? You know, like in the old days?"
Co-Hmph sat silent. He lowered his paper and turned towards the West fence, beyond which, maybe 40 or 50 miles, lay the Pacific Ocean. No Yellow Zones bordered or overlapped any major water formations: oceans, rivers or lakes.
"I'll bet that's what Hmph Jr is doing right now," Hmph imagined. "Boy, some shining example, that boy. Co-Hmph, did I ever tell you the story about how he became a Citizen One?"
"Co-Hmph! If I ever hear that story aga..."
Hmph cut him off to begin. "Well it goes like this. Hmph Jr was seeing this real nice girl Anna, and she was only a junior at the Seattle branch of World University, but my Hmph Jr was a senior. And he'd just gotten elected Student Body President on account of his smarts and good looks. He takes after his pops, you know."
Co-Hmph only rolled his eyes.
"And so Hmph Jr got this idea, having saved over 500 carbon credits working 95 hour weeks at the factory and only eating State supply food, no meats, not driving a car, just the little things people do to get ahead these days, right? Well so he's gonna pay the 1000 credits for Anna to begin Homelife. Greatly discouraged these days, Homelife. But he’s on and on with Anna about why it’s still a viable idea cause he's got plans to get married and start a family, like people used to do in the old days. Can you believe that? Old fashioned kid, takes after his pops right? Wants to start a family like he's some Citizen One or something." Hmph and Co-Hmph both chuckled at this idea.
"Well, so can you believe it, Anna agrees on it being a good idea, and they're engaged." Hmph smiles widely at this. "Real nice girl - would have been a great mother if I don't say so myself."
"Oh yes, a good mother, if you don't say so yourself. Co-Hmph!"
"Right. Well Hmph Jr makes the proper petition to Green Zone Authority 14, and after seeing that he's Student Body President and wanting to start a family, they counter-offered in less than two months..."
"I still take exception to that fact, every time you tell the story. I do not recall Green Authority 14 or any other Authority I've read about in One World View having answered a petition for marriage with such speed. Likely a fabrication..."
"...in less than two months, they offered him one thousand carbon credits and Citizen One status for both him and Anna if they would marry and go through with State sterilization. Which they did." Hmph sighed at this. "Well, shining examples, those two..."
"Co-Hmph! Maybe your shining example can get us Green Zone clearance for a day so I can go fishing and you can dip your old wrinkled toes in the ocean mist."
"Hmph! You're only jealous that you took the carbon credits for state sterilization when you were a boy and were never offered Citizen One status yourself." Hmph was smug. "Besides, you know only a Global Authority can give Green Zone clearance once you end up in one of these Yellow Zones."
"Co-Hmph! Ironic that an ordinary World Unit such as yourself can send a man to the Red Zone but it takes a Global Authority to give a man Green Zone clearance to go fishing."
"It's in the interest of Global Security. Now you know better, Co-Hmph, than to talk that way. And for what it's worth sometimes I'm convinced things seem safer with the Global Security Patrol. When was the last time you heard about a suspicious package at a public location? Those packages always did worry me, even if nothing came of them.”
Both were quiet for a moment.
“So then we're much more secure, and as World President Kloan said in the One World View today, what is freedom without security?"
Co-Hmph bristled at this comment. "My freedom goes to the next checkpoint or to that fence over there, and I'm as secure as any man's suspicions about my security,” Co-Hmph whispered, just loud enough to be heard by his acquaintance.
"Hmph! Now what is that supposed to mean?" Hmph's face grew red with anger.
"I'll tell you precisely what it means, you dumb Redumbagain!" Co-Hmph's voice elevated to a startling pitch. "It means the moment I suspect you as a terrorist or a threat to Global Security or a dissenter of the One World View or a critic of Global Coffee Company or our tasty Canned Meals, your freedom and security are worthless!"
"Hmph! Now that sounds uniquely like the idea of a Dumbocrat. Or perhaps a terrorist empathizer!"
A World Security Patrolman looks toward Hmph and Co-Hmph, who are so engaged in their heated argument they fail to notice.
"Co-Hmph! I might equally suspect you as a terrorist empathizer for your feelings about Canned Meal and Global Coffee! These are State entities, and as such your sentiments undermine the State, therefore undermining Global Security itself! How do you like that idea?"
World Security Patrolmen, standing within hearing distance on the other side of the Yellow Zone park, did not in fact like any of these ideas, and radioed a full patrol of Wasps for backup. A dozen or more guards moved in briskly to apprehend Hmph and Co-Hmph.
Hmph and Co-Hmph are startled when the guards begin to seize them, thinking as the guards neared they were simply drilling or passing by to arrest criminals or terrorists.
"Hmph! What's the big idea here, boys?"
"Co-Hmph! Who sent you boys? There's been a mixup here, but this can all be sorted out. If you'll kindly take your hands off me, I'll be quick to show evidence that we're the Chairmen of the Dumbocrat and Redumbagain Parties, Yellow Zone, Sector 14, respectively speaking of course." The guards were starting to struggle with the old men, apparently not having thought they'd be much trouble.
"Hmph! Now wait a minute boys, check our Globals IDs! Yellow Zone, Sector 14. We were Yellowed only for my remarks that those crumby Canned Meals taste like cardboard, and Co-Hmph here for having agreed with me!" The guards finally take both men's legs out from under them, sending them both straight to the hard dirt and brown grass floor. "Ugh! Now watch it there! You don't know who you're roughing up, you hooligans! We're US Patriots!"
A young patrol leader steps up from behind the others, with a digital device he seems to be scribbling notes into. "Negative. You've both been found guilty of Code 1, Suspicion of Global Security Endangerment, which results in both your rights being revoked."
"Co-Hmph! Guilty! Who is my accuser?"
The young patrol leader again responds. "Vigilant Citizen Hmph and Vigilant Citizen Co-Hmph, respectively, are the accusers. And you both serve as witnesses for World recording purposes for each other's crimes, and resulting removal from the Yellow Zone. Global Security requires you both be immediately relocated to the Red Zone."
"Hmph! Everybody knows the Red Zone is for criminals and terrorists! We're hardly a threat to Global Security, much less one of the former!" Hmph and Co-Hmph were startled in disbelief, half attempting to keep their cool and half fighting off the men pinning them to the dirt.
"We have orders to maintain security for Global Citizens, and our orders cannot be questioned. This security allows Green Zone citizens and compliant Yellow Zone citizens to maintain their freedom."
Suddenly, with a fluid evasive maneuver which would have been surprising for a man half his age, Co-Hmph shook the men off his back and scurried up, pulling a formerly concealed small pointed stick from his pocket. The Wasps instantly drew their guns. His wrinkled hand shaking, Co-Hmph defiantly pointed the stick at them, as crowds of onlookers began to watch from a distance.
"Co-Hmph! and Co-Hmph again! It appears security does not at all maintain freedom but that our former freedoms maintained security!"
At this a Wasp shot a bullet at Co-Hmphs right calf, sending him crumbling to the ground, after which another Wasp ran forward to kick him in the head. Then the group as a whole pressed the men to the dirt, handcuffed Hmph and Co-Hmph, gagged them both, and threw them in the back of a large white World Security Patrol van. The red lights came on, and the crowd of people looked over, some appearing terrified, as the Chairpersons of the Dumbocratic and Redumbagain Parties were being sent to the Red Zone.
The van proceeded past the fence clearance, past the checkpoint outside the fence, and again past a further checkpoint heading towards the super-highway. As the red lights grew dim and the sirens grew quiet, the Yellow Zone citizens quietly slurped their Canned Meals and shivered from terror from under slow formations of a white, fluffy X.
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