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    Ben Stooge is offline Corporate Press Weasel, iTulip Select Member
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    Jul 2007

    Default Grease my Palm with Big Oil

    Grease my Palm with Big Oil

    by Ben Stooge

    (Editor's Note: We have had readers who claim to be unable to tell which column is the parody and which is the original. We're pretty sure Ben Stooge's column is parody, but these days you never know.)

    Brainy types want to control and regulate the goo companies and tax them until they are ready to call it quits. Why subsidize with one hand and tax and regulate with the other? That's like the government buying a hooker for a congressman then making him wear a raincoat. What's the point?

    I've done such a good job revising the history of my bad financial advice that you actually believe I've done you a service. Today I'm going to defend the poor, maligned, beleaguered, and downtrodden US oil industry.

    Magical Pre-charged Chemical Battery

    Billions of batteries are buried underground. Can you believe it? All we have to do is dig them up. We don't even have to charge them. That's been done for us by the sun back when struthiomimus, hadrosaurs, and dimetrodon roamed the steamy permian jungles. Huge leafy plants turned the sun's energy into cellulose and other compounds. Then, over hundreds of millions of years, those compounds rotted into a stinking, gooey, black liquid that today run a hedge fund manager's $1.7 million Bugatti Veyron. That's a lot of pricey technology riding on dirty, old plant rot, isn't it? Time to think about a newer, cleaner, renewable form of energy?

    Nah, read on.

    This goo doesn't just run hedge fund managers' cars. It runs your Toyota Camry, too. In fact, if the goo suddenly vanished you'd be hitching an ox up to your Camry, if you had an ox. Otherwise, maybe you'd hitch up your mother-in-law. Same goes for the hedge fund manager's Bugatti, except if he's any good he's hedged the apocalypse that made the goo go away by buying an ox farm.

    The whole world depends not only on this goo but lots of goo cheap, especially the USA. If the USA ever has to pay market prices for the goo, it's entire economy will have to be drawn by oxen. People in the cities will freeze, starve, riot. The US military will invade Canada. To prevent that happening, the US military invades Iraq instead. Even Alan Greenspan said so for a day last week. He took it back the next day.

    Wars to keep the goo cheap are a multi-trillion dollar subsidy to the goo industry at taxpayer expense, not to mention thousands of dead and wounded solders and the environment. But that's what free markets are all about. Also, some say hundreds of thousands of Iraqis died. Who cares about them? Not me, and neither should you. You should buy goo company stocks because with all that government subsidy in money and lives, you can make fat profits, too.

    I know you're wondering, what is this fabulous goo that I use in my car and can make me so much money? Hang onto your balls. I'm getting to that.

    This government subsidized goo industry is concentrated into a handful of really huge goo companies, which by coincidence are represented by high ranking members of the US government that gives them free access to public lands to rip up forests and jungles to extract the goo, to the sea where they suck it out of the ground and pollute miles below on the bottom of the ocean, and to burning deserts where the US government has installed friendly dictators to let the US goo companies operate and shoot civilians. Sometimes these dictators don't stay friendly and have to be taken out via "preemptive war." That's dictators for you.

    These goo companies ship brave men and women to these nasty spots where they are confronted by the local inhabitants who try to defend their land and rights, much as you as a US citizen might if the tables turned. These citizens have bombs sort of like the US but cannot afford an air force, thus they are called "terrorists."

    Once these goo companies have stolen the goo at gunpoint, whatever they don't spill into the ocean on their way to North America they sell here at a profit. But do they get a parade? No! Long haired eco freaks in Birkenstocks, rich lobbyists for the alternative energy cartels, bearded hand-wringing lefty academics, and other ingrates, losers, and troublemakers give these noble goo companies a hard time. Can you believe it? All the goo companies want to do is turn the goopy goo into the sloshing light liquid that you pour into your Camry so you can drive to work. These boneheads, and that includes the free press in the US that reports bad things about these fine goo companies incessantly, fight to keep this goo goopy and hold down profits.

    Liar's Profits

    After all the government subsidies, the free access to land, the deaths and injuries and pollution for which the goo companies are not accountable, the profits on a either a percentage-of-sales basis or a percentage-of-equity basis are less than the profits of other government subsidized industries, such as the banking and real estate industries. But no one complains about them. It's not fair.

    After all that, the political and brainy types want to control and regulate the goo companies and tax them until they are ready to call it quits. Why subsidize with one hand and tax and regulate with the other? That's like the government buying a hooker for a congressman then making him wear a raincoat. What's the point?

    Who owns these goo companies? Not hedge fund managers and other rich guys but the same rocket scientists that bought asset-backed securities that funded sub-prime mortgages and stocks in dot coms during the tech stock bubble: the pension funds of cops and pilots and taxi drivers. Without the dividends these companies generate they'd all starve to death.

    It's Nice to be Nice. It's Mean to be Mean.

    The USA can't make it a day without America's goo companies. They are dependent on unreliable dictators installed by the US, relentlessly and cruelly attacked by the slanted media, and derided by pointy headed professors. USA without its brilliant and effective goo companies will collapse in a matter of hours. End of the world. Locusts. Raining frogs. Cats and dogs living together. Real wrath of God type stuff.

    But the good times will go on as long as we appreciate the goo companies by buying their stocks and not siding with the intellectuals and troublemakers. Maybe the goo companies won't pack up and leave and we can keep driving around in trucks with enormous tires and huge engines fueled with bargain-basement goo, that is if you don't count the $1 trillion subsidies and deaths and other costs. Like a pack of Paris Hiltons, we just don't understand how good these goo companies are for us. We think they are rich at the expense of our wallets, health, liberty, and the lives of our brave young soldiers. That's so stupid!

    Many Ways to Win with Big Oil

    Guessed what this magical goo is? That's right! Oil.

    US oil companies are making a fine product that we got to have. They are making it in a free market way and selling it at a free market price. So let's give them some free market space and stop bothering them with annoying anti-freedom questions and taxes. You can recapture some of the subsidy you pay with your taxes by buying oil stocks for your retirement portfolio, or you can have your kids join the military and fight for them and get paid by the government. It's dangerous so I don't let my kids do that, but it's good for yours.

    Burning oil causes pollution. So does burning cattle. In fact, burning cattle smells worse, unless the cattle are sliced up into steaks and cooked on a grill. Then they are absolutely delicious. Not so oil. We can reduce pollution if we remove the government subsidy and let oil reach a market price. Then cars will get smaller. But that's un-American, so forget about it.

    Sooner or later we'll kill all the people where the oil is or maybe we'll run out of oil before that. In any case, I'll be dead, so who cares? That's generations from now. In the mean time, let's give the oil companies their due. Let's vote for oil and buy their stocks.

    Previous columns by Ben Stooge:
    Another View of the Economy from Abroad

    Ben Stooge is a corporate press type who writes for iTulip. He does not own any of the stocks or other crap he shills, and rarely knows what he's talking about. But that doesn't keep him from expressing his opinions as if he did.

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    Last edited by FRED; 10-01-07 at 05:11 PM.



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