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metalman
01-30-08, 09:35 PM
i'm burnt out on all this rate cut, recession, market crash, dollar doom stuff. let's do a joke thread! i'll start...

An old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn. He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoveling sweets into his mouth. The man walks up to the boy and says "You know, son, it's not healthy to eat all that candy." The kid says, "You know, old man, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." The man replies, "Did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks up at him and says "No, but he minded his own ******* business."

metalman
01-30-08, 09:48 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste 'funny' to you?"

metalman
01-30-08, 09:48 PM
Hear about the new restaurant that opened up on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Jim Nickerson
01-30-08, 09:53 PM
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written.




"WINTER"

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre...






"SHIT, It's Cold !"


The End

Jim Nickerson
01-30-08, 10:00 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Israel. While they were there, the wife died. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5K, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5K to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would only spend $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

metalman
01-30-08, 10:06 PM
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

metalman
01-30-08, 10:21 PM
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Israel. While they were there, the wife died. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5K, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5K to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would only spend $150."

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

so long as we're telling nagging wife jokes...

A guy speeds into the hospital parking lot, sprints past the receptionist and meets the doctor coming out of the operating room, bloody, taking his gloves off.
"Doctor! Doctor! What happened? How is my wife?"
"I'm so sorry, sir. It was a terrible accident. She's been badly burned, and there was severe brain damage. She may live a long time, but you'll have to feed her, as she can't use her hands. You'll need to help her go to the toilet, and wipe up after her, and bathe her by hand every day. And there was extensive skin damage, and she's going to be severely disfigured. She can still talk, though.
"Also, and I realize this is a bad time to bring it up, but your insurance isn't going to pay for any of this. You're going to have to pay for this visit, and you'll be paying for her medication and treatment as long as she's alive, which could be a long time, and she's going to need a lot of medication. She'll need constant care. I'm terribly sorry."
The guy is horrified. He stares at the doctor in shock and can only respond with stunned silence.
Finally, the doctor slaps him on the back and says, "Aw, man. I'm just ******* with you. She's dead."

metalman
01-30-08, 10:49 PM
An Eskimo rides his snowmobile into the repair shop and tells the mechanic, "I don't know what's wrong with it. It's running rough."
The mechanic says, "Ok, I'll take a look. Come back in 15 minutes."
The man walks up the street and buys a vanilla ice cream cone. He's finishes it before he walks up to the mechanic.
"What's up," the man asks him.
The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," said the man, wiping his chin. "Vanilla ice cream."

bart
01-31-08, 12:05 AM
Two Bear Scientists


A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach… only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

rabot10
01-31-08, 06:37 PM
Metal Guy U are one funny dude, I hope some of it rubs off on Jim, I say god dam he is one tight ass lol

jk
01-31-08, 09:04 PM
yesterday's short lived rally after the rate cut was announced: a fed cat bounce.

the only decoupling is that of the american wage earner from the profits of his employer.


[from the comments at the sudden debt blog today]

metalman
01-31-08, 09:05 PM
Metal Guy U are one funny dude, I hope some of it rubs off on Jim, I say god dam he is one tight ass lol

was jim was the old man telling the kid to stop eating candy? ;)

jk
02-01-08, 08:40 PM
A man at the Super Bowl stadium is looking around for a spare seat in one of the
boxes so that he can get a better view. He sees a box with a man occupying one
seat and all the rest are empty. With some temerity he goes up to the man in
the box and asks if he might occupy one of the empty seats. The man in the box
says OK and invites him in.

A bit later he asks the man in the box "How come there are these empty seats?
After all this is the Super Bowl."

The man in the box replied that he an his wife purchased the whole box so that
they could have it privately and that his wife had died.

The intruder then asked the man in the box "Why he hadn't invited some of his
relatives or friends to join him in the box for the Super Bowl?"

The man in the box replied "They're all at her funeral."</pre>

GRG55
02-02-08, 03:42 AM
Okay, here's a sandbox expat joke for all you OPEC haters out there...


A TV journalist approaches four men standing on a street corner in Dubai and says "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the food shortage?"


The Somali replies "What's food?"
The American replies "What's a shortage?"
The Chinese man replies "What's an opinion?"
and the Saudi replies "What's excuse me?"

Uncle Jack
02-02-08, 06:23 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "hey buddy, why the long face?"

Contemptuous
02-04-08, 02:37 PM
239

240

241

242

243

Contemptuous
02-04-08, 02:39 PM
244

245

246

247

248

FRED
02-04-08, 05:41 PM
That is a sweet looking ride. Where can I order mine? We can paint an iTulip logo on the side and ride around town large.

WDCRob
02-04-08, 05:53 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

bart
02-04-08, 06:09 PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."





And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -

Are you ready for this?!

... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Contemptuous
02-04-08, 11:50 PM
OK, this post is an indictment of iTulip's new "vulgar language filter". Gimme a break!


Dictionary: (http://www.answers.com/library/Dictionary-cid-6954)
bawdy


(bô'dē) http://content.answers.com/main/content/img/pron.gif


adj., -i·er, -i·est.

Humorously coarse; risqué.
Vulgar; lewd.
bawdily bawd'i·ly adv.
bawdiness bawd'i·ness n.

_____________________



The Strange Case of The Missing ****


The priest in a small Irish village loved the **** and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.


But one Saturday night the **** went missing!


The priest knew that **** fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.


During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a ****?


All the men stood up.


"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?"


All the women stood up.


"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a **** that doesn't belong to them?"


Half the women stood up.


"No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY ****?"


All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Jim Nickerson
02-05-08, 11:21 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is Politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, “The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit!”

Jim Nickerson
02-17-08, 01:02 AM
<TABLE id=EC_EC_EC_INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 border=0>

















<TBODY><TR><TD id=EC_EC_EC_INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">




<HR align=center width="100%" SIZE=2>




>New Government Seal:
see attachment




Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
Damn, it just doesn't get



more accurate than that.







</TD></TR><TR><TD id=EC_EC_EC_INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=EC_EC_EC_INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=EC_EC_EC_INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Jim Nickerson
02-17-08, 01:11 AM
I was thinking today of a couple of jokes that I invariably told while operating.

It is a fact that occasionally an anesthesiologist will allow a patient's level of anesthesia to lighten or lessen to the extent that the patient moves some part of its body--normally there is no movement under adequate anesthesia.

Whenever that happened it always brought to mind the joke of the man making love and then he asked his wife, "What's wrong, did I hurt you?" to which she replied, 'No, why do you ask?"

He replied, "I thought I felt you move."



2.

I put a lot of wires in the mouth, and I would ask my nurse to give me a 6-inch piece of 25 g. wire.

Almost invariably, she would give me a 9-inch piece, which prompted me to ask, "do you know why women are such bad judges of lengths?"

No one would answer. I would point to the base of my index finger with my thumb (that is about 3.5") and say, "because they've always been told that is 6-inches."

barrydd933
02-17-08, 09:28 AM
A man walks into the police station and says "Officer,I think my wife is dead", the cop responds "you think your wife is dead?",the guy responds,"well, shes at home,and I think shes dead". Now intrigued, the cop asks,"what do you mean, you can't tell if shes dead",the guy thinks it over for a minute and says"well,THE SEX IS THE SAME,BUT THE DISHES ARE PILING UP!"

renyxzar
02-29-08, 03:29 PM
Winning the Lottery!

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her
house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies."Do I pack for the beach or
the mountains?"

Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"

DemonD
03-12-08, 05:31 AM
Can't remember where I heard this one, I liked it though:

Three economists are out in the woods with rifles hunting for bears.

They come upon a bear who is eating berries off a tree. The bear is deaf and can't hear anything (including very loud gunshots).

The first economist aims his rifle, fires, and misses 10 feet to the left.

The second economist aims his rifle, fires, and misses 10 feet to the right.

The third economist lowers his rifle and says, "Great job guys, you got him!"

BiscayneSunrise
03-12-08, 10:43 AM
You know, I am very disappointed by all the marriage jokes on this thread.

Many men look at marriage as a death sentence but they really shouldn't look at it that way.

It is more of a LIFE sentence.

Sapiens
03-17-08, 09:54 AM
....................

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

Contemptuous
04-08-08, 09:07 PM
Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi aven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, oi I aven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 45 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God man, have you found Jesus now?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "No, oi haven't found him yet, are you sure dis is where he fell in?" :rolleyes:

Verrocchio
04-18-08, 02:12 PM
Too many times investors are like the man who goes by a window and sees inside -- incredible -- a man playing chess with a dog.

He can't believe it; he thinks he's hallucinating, but he goes back and looks again, and indeed, the dog is really playing chess. So he goes to the man and says, "What a wonderful dog you have. He can play chess!" "Oh, he's not so wonderful," says the man, "In fact, he's pretty stupid. He lost twice."

Investors are hard on themselves that way sometimes: "I lost twice."

Jim Nickerson
04-19-08, 02:16 AM
Bar story

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how do you propose we go about that?' asked Bill.

'Well', Hillary responds, 'We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.'

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into Arkey Blues Silver Dollar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says,

'Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?'

Hillary answers, 'Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.'
<O:p</O:p
They then order a couple of beers from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old rancher comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
<O:p</O:p
Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over ' Tell me', said Hillary, 'Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no', said the bartender, 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in here with two assholes!'

Nicolasd
04-29-08, 07:53 PM
As we all know, the Bush Administration said each of us would get
a rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs,
If we purchase a computer it will go to India ,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala ,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan ,
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan
None of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales,since those are the only businesses still valid in the US.:p

bart
04-29-08, 08:07 PM
Riddle for the day............
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round*

metalman
04-29-08, 09:48 PM
Riddle for the day............
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round*

good one! i gotta get my drunk ass off the internets or i'm going to throw my computer out the window. i swear i can read for an hour before i find a piece of business 'analysis' that doesn't read like it was done by paris hilton.

bart
04-30-08, 12:16 AM
good one! i gotta get my drunk ass off the internets or i'm going to throw my computer out the window. i swear i can read for an hour before i find a piece of business 'analysis' that doesn't read like it was done by paris hilton.

Yes indeed - Paris Hilton does belong in a jokes thread.




Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says that everything is just fine.

"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
-- George Bernard Shaw

GRG55
06-10-08, 07:01 AM
i'm burnt out on all this rate cut, recession, market crash, dollar doom stuff. let's do a joke thread!

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states,commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded [Less cheering please! Her Majesty considers displays of excessive exuberance undignified, especially coming from the colonies.)

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour', 'labour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Althougha permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to driving a proper saloon with a boot and a bonnet, instead of those silly quasi-military SUVs with metallic paint. Finally all trucks will henceforth be referred to as lorries. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
may, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of
nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

phirang
06-10-08, 07:29 AM
one of my fav's:

Q: What was, "The Woman's Movement"?

A: From the kitchen to the bedroom.

GRG55
07-02-08, 02:14 AM
Courtesy of the Borowitz Report. It's getting ugly out there...

Cindy McCain Robot Gets New Head

State-of-the-Art Head Stores 2,000 Recipes

"We have the technology."

That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a state-of-the-art replacement head.

While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."

"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."

Mr. Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate human-like speech.

"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Mr. Davison said.

He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online recipe sites.

Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.

Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced plans to carve Iraq into two regions, "Full Serve" and "Self Serve."

Contemptuous
08-18-08, 04:36 AM
Did somebody on iTulip post this already? I found it in my funnies mailbox but I don't think it was posted here before. Life is stranger than fiction. ...

http://www.losthorizons.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=287

Quote:
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=alt2 style="BORDER-RIGHT: 1px inset; BORDER-TOP: 1px inset; BORDER-LEFT: 1px inset; BORDER-BOTTOM: 1px inset">
Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire'

and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

VIT
08-19-08, 12:49 AM
I have some cross-national:

Russian kids decided to make a joke in one of San Jose school. They brought 3 pigs and put the numbers 1,2 and 4 on them. Police spent one week trying to find number 3.
----------------------------
Psychologist on the West:
"Do you have problems ? Want to discuss ?"

In Russia:
"Do you have problems ? Do you want to drink for them ?"

In China:
Leading party announced you do not have any problems. Come back to work"
--------------
EU said Aeroflot (Russian airlines) planes lines are to noisy so they have to prohibit their flights. Aeroflot - ok, we stop selling vodka
-----
One American is flighting with Aeroflot. Stewardess come to him and ask
- Would you like to eat ?
- Yes, what are the options ?
- Yes or no
---------------
Some soviet-style anecdotes you might find interesting:

Nixon visited USSR and soviet leader demonstrated him phone which can connect with the hell. He did a call and paid 27 kopecks (several cents). Then he returned back to US and discussed this to CIA. They told we have this phone for long time. He tried and payed 12000 dollars. Nixon asked why the call was so expensive here and co cheap there. They had local call.:D

---------------

One policemen from Eastern Europe asked his college
- What do you think about new politic regime
- The same as you
- So I need to arrest you

-----------
In soviet school on political lesson:
"American aggressors interfere with the USSR around all the world"
-------------
Do you have poor people in USSR ?
Yes, those who has state houses and cars

--------------
University lecture:
- Here (USSR) our constitution guarantees the freedom of speech
- What about freedom for person who will say

Jim Nickerson
08-19-08, 01:00 AM
Good, Vitaly.

Here's one.

Two old Southern ladies setting on the veranda in the swing and talking about the things they did when younger.

One asked, "Do you remember the minuet"?

The other replied, "Hell no! I don't even remember the ones I screwed."

Contemptuous
08-19-08, 03:24 AM
Flunked: 14 Signs of a Deficient Intellect

(Maybe one or two of these will not be immediately recognised to
you as English is not your native language Vitaly, but I think you
get the "general idea". These are a product of our glorious educational
system. But don't forget that we managed to send some guys to
the moon! Heck, nobody's perfect. :) ).


1. God help us.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/sicks.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/79123650@N00/68803162/)

2. Furst kum, furst surfed.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/groj.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=554561294&size=o)

3. From a politically astute second-grader.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/ff.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=670056512&size=m)

4. Nice try but no cigar.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/orange.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=955238876&context=photostream&size=l)

5. Now hiring: police officers. Minimum educational qualifications: none.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/toad.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=258890863&context=set-393516&size=o)

6. In love with all things domestic.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/homo.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=1932121482&size=l)


7. Sorry, we can't not point out how retarded you sound.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/water.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=434457020&size=l)

8. And we all so clearly see who flunked remedial grammar.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/donuts.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/stephiblu/349891068/)

9. Someone paid for this?

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/huh.jpg (http://static.flickr.com/236/526563550_d040051530.jpg)

10. Boat and mast sold separately.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/sail.jpg (http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1438/1057073825_0e9f26cb7a.jpg)

11. You!! are!! a!! moron!!

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/ladder.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=968265130&size=o)

12. Harry Potter's (http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/tv_film/newsid_3087000/3087705.stm) country hideaway.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/private.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=1055545914&size=o)

13. Yum.

http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/wings.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=81830339&size=o)

14. At least there are no spelling mistakes.


http://themishmash.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/04/patient.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=100284161&size=o)

The Outback Oracle
09-01-08, 03:14 AM
A new element has been added to the Periodic Table:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons
and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction, that would normally take less than a second ,
to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes regular reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that
radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Atlas
09-01-08, 10:16 AM
Two conspiracy theorists are in a car accident while heading to a convention and are killed. Upon reaching heaven they are told about all the wonderful things they can experience there but the one thing that really interests them is getting to meet with God and have all their questions answered. After waiting awhile they are shown into God's office and before they can say anything God says "Oswald acted alone, Armstrong really did walk on the moon and there is no alien activity at Area 51." Upon hearing this, one of the men whispered to the other "This really does go all the way to the top."

The Outback Oracle
09-15-08, 03:27 AM
This is pretty old but it seems pretty topical

http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/ceonistas.shtml

Click the home page. There are quite few good commentaries.
Being an Aussie the one on moving Australia sounds pretty accurate!

Supercilious
09-15-08, 06:17 AM
CNBC anchor to his colleague: 'Dick, oh my God, you're not going to believe this, it's just come in on the wires. "US government to take over Goldman Sachs".

Dick goes pale, undoes his tie, and starts hyperventilating. 'It's over, the whole shooting match, we're cooked. I just can't believe it...it's the end of capitalism. Sell everything.'

'Wait Dick, just hold on there, they just issued a correction; now it says "Goldman Sachs to take over the US government'.

Dick recovers his composure. 'Jeez, you had me going there, so what they paying?'

GRG55
09-22-08, 12:59 AM
Time for another installment from Andy Borowitz:

McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair

Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say


<!-- Begin Content Area -->
http://www.borowitzreport.com/Uploads/fc5009ba-061e-4b43-99f0-689a319f1f8e.jpg In what some political observers are calling his most ironic speech of the 2008 campaign, GOP presidential nominee John McCain today lashed out at Washington, the Republican Party and a group of insiders he called "old white men with white hair."

"It's time to take our country back," Sen. McCain told his audience in Dayton, Ohio. "It's time to send a message to those in power - those Republicans in Washington, those old white men with their combed-over white hair."

Sen. McCain went on to attack the power elite on Wall Street, calling them "wealthy plutocrats with private jets and too many houses to keep track of."

"The time has come to say enough is enough to those rich old white men," he said. "And the same goes to their zombie-like trophy wives who plaster their makeup on like trollops."

Responding to the nation's economic turmoil, Sen. McCain said that as President he would create millions of jobs "by putting Americans to work making negative ads."

"We no longer lead the world in manufacturing cars, steel, or computers," Sen. McCain said. "But our negative ad industry is second to none."

In other economic news, President Bush announced another massive bailout today, saying that he had completed a deal for China to buy the United States in its entirety.

"This was a difficult deal to pull off," Mr. Bush acknowledged. "The hard part was identifying the parts of the U.S. that China didn't already own."

we_are_toast
10-12-08, 08:38 AM
Some humor from NPR's Marketplace.





5. I went to buy a toaster, and it came with a bank.
4. Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word: Goodbye.
3. How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on Sunday.
2. What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: $3.50.

And the No. 1 financial crisis joke of the week is …
Q: What is the one thing Wall Street and the Olympics have in common? A: Synchronized diving!

Contemptuous
10-16-08, 02:52 AM
A STOCK MARKET FROM HELL - 2008





http://bigpicture.typepad.com/./photos/uncategorized/2008/10/15/damned_crisis.gif

http://com.list-manage.com/track/click?u=822f57272edf2c46e4f77a7be&id=48f5754f95&e=7c6bccd4dc

Supercilious
10-16-08, 03:12 AM
Hahaha! those are good Lukester.

don
10-16-08, 03:17 PM
The other day I went downtown to<o></o>



see what few funds were left me at the bank. <o></o>



After that trip I needed something <o></o>



sweet at my local coffee shop.

I had a jelly donut<o></o>



but it wasn’t enough.<o></o>



When I came out, there was this<o></o>



cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how<o></o>



about giving a<o></o>



working man a break'?

He ignored me and continued<o></o>



writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed<o></o>



me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote<o></o>



out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him<o></o>



a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He<o></o>



finished the second ticket and put it<o></o>



on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I<o></o>



called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.<o></o>



The more I talked back to him the<o></o>



more tickets he wrote.

The Mercedes was festooned in citations.

Personally, I felt great. I<o></o>



came downtown on the<o></o>



bus, and the car that<o></o>



he was putting the tickets on<o></o>



had a bumper sticker that read,<o></o>



'Where Wealth Is Earned: Goldman Sachs'

I try to have a little fun each day now<o></o>



that I'm broke.

The doctor tells me that it's<o></o>



important for my health.<o></o>

<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>

bart
10-16-08, 03:23 PM
Thought for the day:
What's the difference between investment bankers and pigeons? Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's.




Quote of the month:
This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.

grapejelly
10-16-08, 03:55 PM
The Soviets had a reputation for weird science. Remember Psychic Discoveries Behind the Iron Curtain? Anyhoo, a small group of scientists were working on human powered flight, unencumbered with any special equipment.

At a party one night, groups of scientists got together. A nuclear scientist said to Sasha, the head of the human powered flight group, "so, have you flown yet?"

Sasha said, "yes, a little, not far but a little."

"Really," the nuclear guy said. "Would you care to demonstrate?"

Everyone gathered around expecting a bit of fun.

Sasha spread his arms out, waved them around, kung fu style, this way and that way. He flapped them up and down a bit. And suddenly, he was levitating, inches then a few feet from the ground! As he moved his arms he lurched into the air and forward until he hit the wall and sank.

There was a stunned silence.

The nuclear scientist said, "well, that was okay for a start, but you only flew a few feet."

Then everyone forgot about it and continued their conversation.

we_are_toast
10-17-08, 04:06 PM
Political humor;

Turn your sound up, move your mouse around the room and click on everything that is clickable.

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

Contemptuous
10-30-08, 06:05 PM
Here's the Jokes thread! :confused: Ah! hahahahaha!

Supercilious
11-02-08, 12:34 AM
Three doctors are bragging about their country's medical achievements. The Israeli doctor starts by saying "medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him up and looking for work in six weeks".

The German doctor says "that's nothing, in Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".

Not to be out done the English doctor says, "we can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street, and have half the f**king country looking for work within 24 hours".

Supercilious
11-02-08, 12:35 AM
Sarko and Vice President Milfalin:


<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k4aHL12vtEM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k4aHL12vtEM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Contemptuous
11-05-08, 12:42 AM
moved down to bottom of thread

Contemptuous
11-05-08, 12:43 AM
Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills.


They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage. But no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: first the water meter, then outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washer, ice maker, etc. -- all to no avail.


One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running downstairs. He finally tore himself from his sick bed to investigate, and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills. Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity.

Now watch attached video
www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIVsZRPx_Dw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIVsZRPx_Dw)

Contemptuous
12-05-08, 01:36 AM
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

walenk
12-05-08, 10:07 AM
"Nice Bank. Where did you get it?"

"They threw it in when I bought a toaster."

swgprop
12-05-08, 01:36 PM
Sadly, this one is urban legend .. http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

Andreuccio
12-05-08, 01:44 PM
"Nice Bank. Where did you get it?"

"They threw it in when I bought a toaster."

A few days ago, I was talking to a rep at bank and asked her to send me some materials. She said they would arrive in 3-5 days. I said that would be fine, but asked her if she thought they would still be in business in 3-5 days.

That went over so well I figured I'd follow up with the toaster joke above. She didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did. :(

bill
12-05-08, 02:15 PM
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/nickanderson/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/claybennett/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/johnsherffius/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/chanlowe/)



http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/waynestayskal/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.7&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/danasummers/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.8&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/davidhorsey/)



http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.9&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/stuartcarlson/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.10&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/chipbok/)
http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.11&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/viewsbusiness/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.12&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/patoliphant/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.13&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/stuartcarlson/)


http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.14&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/garyvarvel/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.15&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/lisabenson/)


http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.16&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/michaelramirez/)

http://f570.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f377016%5fAG1hxEIAAFH%2bSTVT3gNWWC sjgoQ&pid=2.17&fid=Inbox&inline=1 (http://cartoonbox.slate.com/chanlowe/)
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>


__________________________________________________ __________

GRG55
12-08-08, 03:36 PM
Historian and author Niall Ferguson, when asked about the future of the Big 3 US automakers, replied that they should recognize the inevitable...Chrysler, GM and Ford should merge into the Big 1, and call it CGF...Couldn't Get Funding.

FRED
12-08-08, 04:06 PM
1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Contemptuous
12-08-08, 06:01 PM
Rated "J" (suitable for jaundiced investors) ... :D


873

Contemptuous
12-08-08, 07:09 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/WcZqwR9tbJE&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/WcZqwR9tbJE&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xsnVvXkDnqM&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xsnVvXkDnqM&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/I-5e_Tjv7vg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/I-5e_Tjv7vg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Who is Gordon Ramsey? (World Class Celebrity Chef) (http://www.gordonramsay.com/corporate/theman/biography/)

don
12-08-08, 07:29 PM
Our 25th anniversary was coming up and my wife kept hinting for something that shined in silver.

When the day arrived, she opened my present with great anticipation.

The last thing I remember is her holding the new scale over her head with both of her hands.

bart
12-08-08, 07:43 PM
Gentlemen, Beware of the Dog House!

http://creativity-online.com/work/view?seed=5e32d548

metalman
12-08-08, 09:56 PM
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Contemptuous
12-09-08, 01:48 AM
Metalman -

I have a special feeling for African Greys. When I was ten, my father brought one back for me from a working trip he made to the Congo. He had to smuggle ity through Italian customs as it was not legal to import. So he gave it a tiny sip of whiskey and stuffed it under his coat as he walked through customs. He got through despite the baby bird emitting muffled squawks from under his coat.

We named him Stanley, after the famous Journalist and intrepid African explorer, and he lived with us for right around 30 years. They actually can live to 80 years old, but he spent the last fifteen years of his life living up in the mountains of central Tuscany, where it got cold in the winter. A Congolese African Grey is just not suited to that climate and eventually he caught a chill and died (this was back in 1995).

However I can attest to the extraordinary intelligence of these birds. They are smarter even than dolphins or whales, right up ther with Washoe the chimp who learned a vocabulary of some 300 words in sign language and caused an uproar in the community of anthropologists, evolutionary biologists and linguists who for a century had insisted that no creatures (primates included) had any intelligence approaching that of man.

Alex the African grey, as it turns out and has been minutely documented, had in some cognitive tasks, approximately the intelligence of a three year old. Before you scoff at this outlandish idea, watch these documentaries and take cognizance of the degree of cognitive intelligence that is being demonstrated here. Stanley could rattle on in fragmented French (his native Congolese learned in infancy) and later in English and Italian.

He was so intelligent that over the thirty years in our family he really and truly became a family member, in some ways involved in direct dialogue with all of us. He was far, far more intelligent and engaged with us humans than were any of the other animals we had (lots, and varied). Bottom line: African Grey parrots are rivaled only by Chimps in their level of intelligence. These creatures are astonishingly intelligent, and reveal the wonder and mystery of evolution.

LINKS ALL EXPIRED.

don
12-09-08, 05:58 PM
After retiring, I went to the Federal Building to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

Since then I've been seeing the Social Security gal on the side.

don
12-09-08, 06:04 PM
I kept fiddling around with the car radio this morning until I rear-ended the car in front of me. When the other driver got out of his car, I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to me as I got out, really pissed, and looking up at me, shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'No? Then which one are you?'

I hadn't anticipated where a dwarf's straight right would actually land.

GRG55
12-18-08, 02:29 PM
From the nihoncassandra blog...too funny :D

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

<!-- Begin .post -->Zero - The Loneliest Number?!? (http://www.nihoncassandra.blogspot.com/)


http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YS7MgyvJ0A8/SUnBgOuvlLI/AAAAAAAABBE/vbQm9AQyfzQ/s200/zero.jpg (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_YS7MgyvJ0A8/SUnBgOuvlLI/AAAAAAAABBE/vbQm9AQyfzQ/s1600-h/zero.jpg)In The Secret Bank of Japan Lexicon (http://nihoncassandra.blogspot.com/2007/02/secret-bank-of-japan-lexicon.html), I attempted to demystify all things ZIRP for financial Japan-o-philes. But as we are all ZIRPers now (or soon will be ZIRPers - Hi Merv!), I thought it might useful to update the lexicon to help Anlgo-Saxons familiarize themselves with the new paradigm of.... Z E R O, "oh", "null", "nil", "naught".

ZIRP (c) - The policy of pricing money as if it were free, thereby encouraging its creation in [errr hopefully?!?] unlimited quantities to any and all comers, for the stated purpose of avoiding deflation, though actually it is to make sure that those whose eyes were bigger than their stomachs don't explode, which ostensibly is less than desired by anyone.

nearZIRP(sm)(c) - same as the above, only a few basis points higher; usually meant to keep at least one final bullet for the FRB in the eventuality things get even more FUBAR (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FUBAR). Also can be used on the rebound in order to allow the FRB to keep the fallacy alive that it is symmetrical insofar as it takes similarly aggressive action against inflation as it is against deflation. (See also: ZIRP-lite)

ZIRPtastic - The feeling of joy and bliss that overcomes the borrower of "free money" upon swapping US Dollar paper for something that will depreciate less.

ZIRPflation - The likely future consequence of ZIRP.

disZIRPflation - The temporary state of purgatory where core asset and commodity prices are falling coincidental to ZIRP, and/or nearZIRP.

ZIRPulation - Leveraged specutrage predicated upon borrowing Dollars at nearZIRP for investment in anything and everything nonZIRP.

ZIRP-sixed - Losing one's hedge fund either by maintaining long risky-asset positions enroute to ZIRP, OR, maintaining short risky-asset trades beyond their sell-by date (See Donchian Channel Breakout)

ZIRPcurve Risk - The aggregate embedded risk in a ZIRPified financial system where the paucity of short-end yield induces investors to "reach for yield" by going farther out on the curve, thereby squashing long-term rates towards ungodly low levels that cause a bubble in the long end, circularly making it near-impossible to shift policy or paradigms without inducing massive mark-to-market capital losses throughout the financial system. (See: "the folly of sequential bubble- blowing")

1st Law of ZIRP-o-dymanics - For every borrower there is a lender causing the net stimulatory benefits of ZIRP to be lost as savers now devoid of income curtail consumption.

2nd Law of ZIRP-o-dymanics - Exceptional circumstance of 1st Law where lenders are foreign, allowing the possibility that domestically , the net stimulatory effect might be positive.

ZIRPstamps - Food Coupons issued to OAPs (Old Age Pensioners) who live off of the interest from fixed-income investments, and as a result, now require income supplements.

ZIRPerrific - Celebratory "High-fives all around" in the Treasury War Room when stocks fall less than "a few percent", swap spreads converge, Jim Cramer finally shuts-the-fuck-up.

ZIRPBento - The FreeLunch(c) Box served in Financial cafeterias, but available to any and all comers.

ZIRPtomism - The belief that the power of positive-thinking and free-money will allow something-for-nothingism to live yet another day.

ZIRPquake - - Colassal dislocation in financial markets when eventual unwinding of ZIRP-related positions occurs.

neoZIRPeralism - Using all manner of monetary policy tools to insure the neoliberal regime suurvives. (See Income inequality, Public Interest, Beggar-Thy-Neighbor)

ZIRPing-on-a-String" - Economic state describing the ineffective outcome of employing ZIRP monetary strategies when the the root causes of America's ills has next-to-nothing to do with the price of money, and everything to do with unimaginable financial and regulatory policy mismanagement and neglect during eight years of the Bush Admin.

ZIRPatility - The phenomena describing the schizophrenic market adjustments to ZIRP as they attempt to fathom whether deflation or inflation will prevail.

ZIRPocracy -Describes capitalism's policy paradox where the market price is proffered to be essential to the optimal, (or reeasonable approximation thereof) allocation of a scarce resource excepting when it comes to finding clearing prices for stocks, real estate, and anything covered by TARP, TAF, TSLF

ZIRPlosion - - Eventual market relapse caused by putting-off until tomorrow what should be adjusted to today.

ZIRPO - The fourth Marx Brother.....

don
12-18-08, 03:03 PM
A ZIRPY: A special brand of Kool-Aid drink.

threadhead
12-19-08, 01:29 AM
<base href="file://C:%5CUsers%5CStan%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CMicrosoft%5C Windows%20Mail%5CStationery%5C"><style>BODY { BACKGROUND-POSITION: left top; FONT-SIZE: 10pt; COLOR: #000000; BACKGROUND-REPEAT: no-repeat; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana } </style> Q: What's the difference between syphilis, herpes, AIDS, and a condominium in Miami?

A: You can get rid of syphilis

Supercilious
12-21-08, 08:38 PM
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

metalman
12-21-08, 09:22 PM
Q: What's the difference between syphilis, herpes, AIDS, and a condominium in Miami?

A: You can get rid of syphilis

nice avatar :rolleyes:

Jim Nickerson
12-21-08, 11:41 PM
nice avatar :rolleyes:

Speaking of avatars, everytime I look at yours, I think it looks like he just blew a seal.

Actually I liked your original one. It was more rugged as that is the sense you create with so many posts. The one now looks very sophisticated, and only rarely, but surely, do you come across that way.

metalman
02-14-09, 07:14 PM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST VALENTINE'S COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; this describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace; but don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. My feelings for you no words can tell, except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

strittmatter
02-14-09, 08:46 PM
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST VALENTINE'S COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; this describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace; but don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. My feelings for you no words can tell, except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.


Interesting for a February 14th.

How long ago did she leave you buddy?

Contemptuous
02-14-09, 11:34 PM
A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????

Contemptuous
02-14-09, 11:37 PM
Winning the Lottery! (a.k.a. more off-color misognynist humor)

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house, yelling to her husband,

"Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000...."

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies."Do I pack for the beach or do I pack for the mountains?"

Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"

cjppjc
02-15-09, 09:23 AM
A man walks into a bar and sees a nice looking girl.
He walks up to her and says "Would you like to see my special watch?"

"What's so special about it?" She asks.
"It's special because it sends me psychic messages about you."

"Oh yea. What is it saying right now?"
"It's telling me you aren't wearing any panties"

"Well your watch is wrong I am wearing panties"
The man looks at his watch and says "Must be a hour fast."

swgprop
02-22-09, 02:53 PM
Is Partial Compendium Latvian Humor Joke!

Joke:
Three men are in ship. One Latvian, one Russian, one Lithuanian. Lithuanian take out one bottle wodka. Russian kill Lithuanian, then drink wodka. Then Latvian wait until Russian drink self to sleep, then kill. Is end.

Joke:
Latvian: Is so cold.
All: How cold is?
Latvian: Very. Also dark.

Joke:
A fishmonger says to a bootblack, "Are there any more potato left?" Bootblack says, "Yes, one. But it has gone bad." The fishmonger says, "I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill." And bootblack says, "I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend."

Joke:
Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm.

Joke:
Janis: I hope my son does not die during night.
Guntis: What is "hope"?
Janis: Yes. I know what you say.
Guntis: No. I am serious. What is hope?
Janis: In truth, I do not know. Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with poodle under one arm and salami under other. Eat salami first.

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

Joke:
How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree?
Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask.

Joke:
Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with pig on shoulder. Bartender say, “That look delicious!” But pig say, “No. Is Latvian. Taste is similar to dog.”

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

Joke:
Little boy Janis Dipers is get trouble, school. After teacher is beat, make also stay detention all alone. While detention, teacher is get horny! Teacher and Janis is make sex. “Janis Dipers!” teacher shout! “But teacher,” Janis say, “I too hungry for energy do that.”

Joke:
Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.

Joke:
Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma.
Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato.

Joke:
Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.”

Joke:
Is Latvian couple have been marry 60 years! But for long times, is no making sex. For 60th wedding anniversary, wife is buy for husband hooker for the have sex! Hooker is arrive at door one fine day and is say to husband, “Hello! I here give you super sex!” Man is say, “Oh! I will have the soup.” Then hooker is say, “What? You have soup? Why you no told this?”

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Joke:
Three Latvian girl are walk down street. One have knife, one have gun, one have window. They are meet soldier. Soldier is ask first girl, “Why you are have knife?” “If you try rape me, I stab!” she say. Okay! Second girl, “Why you are have gun?” “If you try rape me, I shoot!” she say. Okay! Third girl, “Why you are have window?!?” “If you try rape me, I jump out!”

Joke:
Latvian is capture by cannibals. Cannibals say, “We are kill you and eat you and use skin for canoe. But you may choose means of your death.” Latvian say, “Okay! You are give me fork, please!” But oops! Is forgot how use!


Source (http://www.chrisconnollyonline.com/2009/02/72-is-partial-compendium-latvian-humor.html)

(Apologies to any Latvians out there)

GRG55
03-05-09, 10:17 PM
Joke of the Day: "McDonalds adds Citigroup stock to its $1 menu!"

Could be worse I suppose. Coming soon, a giveaway Pandit toy with every Happy Meal?

bart
03-08-09, 11:31 PM
The New F***ing Citibank (http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c130f64d6f/the-new-f-ing-citibank)

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c130f64d6f/the-new-f-ing-citibank


(not safe for work - language)

Contemptuous
03-11-09, 09:46 PM
Who is Sully Sullenberger (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2009/02/03/2009-02-03_hero_pilot_chesley_sully_sullenberger_sw.html)?


1211

cjppjc
03-11-09, 10:04 PM
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But They are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."





And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -

Are you ready for this?!

... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


A young man (maybe it was you Bart.) When growing up couldn't stop using puns.
One day his mother got so sick of it, she locked him in his closet for the whole day.
After about 12 hours he starts screaming and crying to be let out.
Finally his mother says "Ok I'll let you out. But you have to promise to stop."
The boy replies "anything, anything, just please opun the door."

Contemptuous
03-11-09, 10:09 PM
New jokes should be posted at the bottom of a thread, so the thread does not wind up with Finster-thread-itis, which is where threads get so long they turn into spaghetti and nobody can't find nothing any more.

________________


Children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuu m. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

cjppjc
03-11-09, 10:25 PM
A blonde girl comes home from school. Her mother asks what she learned?
"Well today we learned how to count. All the other girls could count to 10, but I could count to 20. Is that because I'm blonde Mommy?"
"Yes dear. It's because your blonde"
The next day when the girl came home from school, she again was asked what she learned.
"Well today we learned our ABC's. All the other girls stopped at g or h but I got up q. Is that becuase I'm blonde mommy?"
"Yes dear. It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl told her mother."Today we had gym class. And I noticed none of the other girls had breasts, but I have C cups. Is that because I'm blonde mommy? "No it's because your 22."

LargoWinch
03-11-09, 11:42 PM
An image is worth a 1,000 words, here are 3,000:


http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=41791&d=1206571418

http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=40570&stc=1&d=1203880864

http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=45267&d=1213533116

Contemptuous
03-13-09, 03:47 AM
FROM JSMINESET

Pretending to be a Mutual Fund manager after losing ¾’s of their clients liquidity, or just a princess. Your pick :p

http://216.157.72.247/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/clip-image001-thumb11.jpg (http://216.157.72.247/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/clip-image00120.jpg)

Contemptuous
03-14-09, 06:27 PM
From My Sober Minded Employer In Germany (this Morning) :rolleyes:

1238

Contemptuous
03-14-09, 06:43 PM
Nah. This post wasn't funny enough. Panned it. Next!

LargoWinch
03-14-09, 08:35 PM
That was not that bad Luke.

Here's funny pic from the inter-nets:


http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=50010&d=1217631158

metalman
03-14-09, 10:40 PM
That was not that bad Luke.



http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=50010&d=1217631158

looks like timmy ready to go with his latest bailout package.

Supercilious
03-14-09, 10:59 PM
http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/archives/debtstar.jpg

Contemptuous
03-14-09, 10:59 PM
Hey I thought for sure that was you Metalman. What a disappointment that I don't have a picture of you for my iTulip albums. Or is that your sister?


looks like ... Metalman's Sister! 1240

metalman
03-14-09, 11:22 PM
Hey I thought for sure that was you Metalman. What a disappointment that I don't have a picture of you for my iTulip albums. Or is that your sister?

yeh, that's me luke.

maybe you...

http://blog.ideacity.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/geek.jpg

..and i...

http://www.austinchronicle.com/binary/8991/SuperheroMovie.jpg

will meet some day. :cool:

Jim Nickerson
03-21-09, 04:12 PM
Urgent News from the White House: 3/21/09 www.gloomberg.com (http://www.gloomberg.com)

The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff briefed the president this morning. He told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face. Then
he collapsed into his desk chair, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost
in tears. Finally, as he attempted to compose himself, he whispered, "Just
how many is a brazilian?" This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion, either.

Supercilious
03-21-09, 08:58 PM
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'

Contemptuous
03-31-09, 01:01 AM
duplicate post

Contemptuous
04-29-09, 08:10 PM
This bit of off color humor is from an Australian friend (work colleague) of mine. Of course - who could come up with this but an Australian?

1497

ocelotl
04-29-09, 09:30 PM
From the radio yesterday afternoon. (april 28th, 2009)


¿Saben que dijo México ante la infuenza porcina?
"Mira como tiemblo..."
Do you know what did Mexico say to swine flu?
"look how am I trembling on fear..."

Collected from the net:
Ponen tapaboca a Benito Juárez (http://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/ElFinanciero/Portal/cfpages/contentmgr.cfm?docId=186627&docTipo=1&orderby=docid&sortby=ASC)

http://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/ElFinanciero/Portal/images/internacional/march/29-04-09-BILLETE.jpg

Contemptuous
04-30-09, 01:33 PM
:D :D :D ... Ponen tapaboca a Benito Juarez. Pobrecito!




Collected from the net:
Ponen tapaboca a Benito Juárez (http://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/ElFinanciero/Portal/cfpages/contentmgr.cfm?docId=186627&docTipo=1&orderby=docid&sortby=ASC)

http://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/ElFinanciero/Portal/images/internacional/march/29-04-09-BILLETE.jpg

ocelotl
04-30-09, 01:39 PM
:D :D :D ... Ponen tapaboca a Benito Juarez. Pobrecito!

Still not finished yet...

http://xs538.xs.to/xs538/09183/tapa1599.jpg

http://xs538.xs.to/xs538/09183/tapa2301.jpg

Which mask do you prefer? :D

Contemptuous
04-30-09, 01:44 PM
The first TAPABOCA solution is good as a "backup", because everyone owns one of those. The second TAPABOCA solution is good for families, because it keeps Mama and Papa close together at all times! The second one is the best solution therefore, for upholding the closely knit structure of the family! :rolleyes: :D

don
04-30-09, 05:04 PM
Entrepreneurial Humor

A man owned a small Ranch in Texas.

The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week and free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there is the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

Digidiver
04-30-09, 05:47 PM
http://i39.tinypic.com/14ya32w.jpg

Supercilious
04-30-09, 06:22 PM
http://www.truthdig.com/images/eartothegrounduploads/cam042809_swine_fluC500.jpg

Contemptuous
04-30-09, 06:33 PM
Hey! It's starting to get pretty funny around here! :p

bart
04-30-09, 06:35 PM
http://www.nowandfutures.com/g2/bear_does_shit_in_woods.jpg

strittmatter
04-30-09, 08:59 PM
They said a black man would be president "when pigs fly".

100 days in............

swine flu.

ocelotl
04-30-09, 11:46 PM
This is getting a bit too much...

Seen in Aguascalientes:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_LDoSrW3I12A/SflZmaFoNrI/AAAAAAAAEys/277vMu5LLMU/s400/coche.jpg

for the aftermath:

http://i563.photobucket.com/albums/ss72/puma_77/thumb_9544918.jpg

http://i563.photobucket.com/albums/ss72/puma_77/thumb_7757416.jpg



¿¿¿ Que le dijo el pollito al cerdito ???

¡¡¡Yo no me junto contigo porque eres mala INFLUENZA !!!

What did the chicken say to the piglet?
I won't be your friend because you're a bad INFLUENZA!!!

Contemptuous
05-01-09, 03:51 AM
OK this is not about swine flu, but what is it about these two guys that makes them look like brothers?

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND BERNARD MADOFF

1501

Supercilious
05-01-09, 04:55 PM
http://www.cagle.com/working/090428/beeler.jpg

don
05-01-09, 09:11 PM
OK this is not about swine flu, but what is it about these two guys that makes them look like brothers?

GEORGE WASHINGTON AND BERNARD MADOFF

1501

One step past marrying a shiksa. The WASP look. ;)

xela
05-02-09, 07:38 AM
One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the banker replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!
"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The banker replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

bart
05-02-09, 03:12 PM
Top 11 Geek Defenses for Swine Flu

11. Don't panic!
10. Stock up on ammo for the coming swine flu zombie apocalypse
9. Switch from Ham radio to FM
8. Increase caffeine intake so blood becomes poisonous to virus
7. Start wearing condom when humping pigs
6. Don't leave basement
5. Add cleric to party
4. Transfer consciousness to android body immune to human disease
3. Update virus profiles
2. Reencode DNA for immunity
1. Dose self with gamma radiation in hopes of developing mutant healing abilities

LargoWinch
05-04-09, 12:26 PM
...#12:

http://co109w.col109.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.55/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3df0bb601c-c458-4dac-95dd-ef4bdd979e7d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMjEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage021.jpg%254001C9 BDC6.EB5F5EC0&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.144.8&d=d84&mf=0&a=01_4d16b02f4e30fc7ed6f85cd661ce6df3fe7854273fc54 ded185b4446cd0db73a

Contemptuous
05-05-09, 01:35 AM
C'est une thèse très intéressante que vous avez là Largo Winch. Si seulement je pourrais la voir ! Mystérieux et exotique. Juste comme "l'homme de danger" - Largo Winch lui-même. :D


...#12:

http://co109w.col109.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.55/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3df0bb601c-c458-4dac-95dd-ef4bdd979e7d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMjEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage021.jpg%254001C9 BDC6.EB5F5EC0&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.144.8&d=d84&mf=0&a=01_4d16b02f4e30fc7ed6f85cd661ce6df3fe7854273fc54 ded185b4446cd0db73a

LargoWinch
05-06-09, 07:38 PM
C'est une thèse très intéressante que vous avez là Largo Winch. Si seulement je pourrais la voir ! Mystérieux et exotique. Juste comme "l'homme de danger" - Largo Winch lui-même. :D

Lol Luke... I just realized "#12" did not work. Unfortunately the precious image is at the office :eek:, but I will retry tomorrow...

Meanwhile here is the best I can do on short notice:

http://goldismoney.info/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=66378&stc=1&d=1237738768

Contemptuous
05-06-09, 07:44 PM
Well, it's not bad, for a stop-gap substitute, I guess. :D

Contemptuous
05-09-09, 03:38 AM
Digidiver -

Got to admit - this is just about the funniest post on this entire thread. I have forwarded it to several friends around the world. Hilarious.

Thank you for helping us to crack up laughing, while the world thought we were all ten minutes away from dying. That is (of course) priceless.


http://i39.tinypic.com/14ya32w.jpg

don
05-15-09, 07:15 PM
A quick study:

http://www.newsday.com/media/flash/2009-04/46217527.swf

metalman
05-17-09, 12:47 PM
future of day labor in amerika! (http://www.tastelesschoice.com/day.htm)

lakedaemonian
05-17-09, 06:56 PM
John, Paul, and Peter ended up stranded on an island somewhere in the Pacific after they got shipwrecked by a storm. Moving inland with the hopes of finding civilization they encountered the natives of the island who to their surprise, were solely comprised of men. There was not a single woman to be found.
The natives quickly tied them up and bought them to their chief at spear point. Turning to John, the chief simply asked one question, “Death or Bongo-Bongo?”
“I don’t know what Bongo-bongo is but its really not much of a choice. I guess its Bongo-bongo for me,” John replied.
The natives and their chief took John, leaving the other two inside a small hut to hear the frenzied screams of their friend and companion while the natives had their way with him for several days and nights.
Then came Paul’s turn. Again the chief asked him the same question, “Death or Bongo-bongo?”
With tears running down his dirt-stained cheeks, he whispered, “Bongo-bongo.” A couple of natives slowly dragged Paul outside the hut and the screams began anew a short while after.
Days later, Peter finally found himself kneeling before the chief and surrounded by the same crowd as the previous occasions.
“Death or Bongo-bongo?“, came the dreaded question from the forbidding chieftain.
Mustering all his courage Peter stood up and looked the chief straight in the eye. Vividly recalling the horrible screams of his two comrades he proclaimed, “I would rather choose death than experience Bongo-bongo.”
A sudden hush came over the gathering. The chief pointed straight at him and in a voice loud as thunder said, “Death it shall be o’ man of courage. I say that you die by Bongo-bongo!”

I'm not exactly sure, but I suspect Bongo-Bongo is Pidjin for FIRE economy

Contemptuous
05-17-09, 07:02 PM
OK, might as well dust this one off and re-post it (nice re-tread, by any other name).

1579

bart
05-17-09, 07:29 PM
http://www.nowandfutures.com/g2/the_blob_poster.jpg

Orforded
05-18-09, 03:09 PM
The best example of investment banking I've seen yet:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'Whatcha ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

metalman
05-24-09, 09:14 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/SCfsCQybek0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/SCfsCQybek0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

LargoWinch
05-26-09, 01:08 AM
Here is one with 98 million views.

And I missed it...until now. Charlie!

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_OBlgSz8sSM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_OBlgSz8sSM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

jiimbergin
05-26-09, 07:11 PM
<!--StartFragment -->Since I just got this by email, many of you may have also!
jim
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now.. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent��������………………���.







Just then then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

Contemptuous
05-26-09, 07:25 PM
<!--StartFragment -->Just then then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

This is right up there with Bart's pun-jokes further up in this thread. Yeesh. Punch lines peeled off the asphalt like banana peels. :rolleyes: :D

[ sometimes I worry that Bart never grew up. A brilliant mind - trapped in the psyche of a perennial early adolescent. ]


And the worst of the bunch:

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God", the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving -

Are you ready for this?!

... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. :rolleyes:

bart
05-26-09, 07:32 PM
This is right up there with Bart's pun-jokes further up in this thread. Yeesh. Punch lines peeled off the asphalt like banana peels. :rolleyes: :D


Just for that:


The other side of Dumb Blonde jokes - Dumb Men Jokes

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything
3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner
4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch
5. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing
7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature
8. How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
9. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up
10. How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares??
11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know ... It's never been done
12. How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are
left are handicapped.
13. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum
14. What's the difference between a man and ET?
ET phoned home
15. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer


;)

metalman
05-29-09, 09:35 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UdeCl1ZDYwo&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UdeCl1ZDYwo&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

only in america can you elect such a man twice and expect your nation to survive it.

Contemptuous
05-31-09, 06:11 PM
<TABLE cellPadding=6 width=400><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>http://www.itulip.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=17&pictureid=87</TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>"Next time, you watch where the f234k you are treading in the living room, OK!!? You want to mess with me? Go ahead big guy, give it your best shot!"


<TABLE cellPadding=6 width=400><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>http://www.itulip.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=17&pictureid=89</TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>This is MY couch!! You understand me?? My COUCH!!!</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
<TABLE cellPadding=6 width=400><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>http://www.itulip.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=17&pictureid=86</TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>Embarassing private snapshot.

<TABLE cellPadding=6 width=400><TBODY><TR><TD align=middle>http://www.itulip.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=17&pictureid=85</TD></TR><TR><TD align=left>"Who, me? You want to talk to me?"</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

metalman
06-07-09, 12:21 AM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJfYAJJYMqg&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wJfYAJJYMqg&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

cjppjc
06-07-09, 12:26 AM
Ha ha. That was sweet. Thanks.

jiimbergin
06-07-09, 06:36 AM
<!--StartFragment -->IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

rabot10
06-09-09, 06:18 PM
Doesn't get any better than this lol

http://www.reuters.com/article/governmentFilingsNews/idUSN0938720120090609

metalman
06-09-09, 06:51 PM
Doesn't get any better than this lol

http://www.reuters.com/article/governmentFilingsNews/idUSN0938720120090609

you got this posted on the right thread, alright. :D

LargoWinch
06-13-09, 10:00 AM
Change.

http://i569.photobucket.com/albums/ss132/xyz1221/bilhillaryhobama.gif

LargoWinch
06-13-09, 10:15 AM
Batman.
http://satunnainen.net/i/1241020315576.jpg

LargoWinch
06-14-09, 11:38 AM
http://thecynicaleconomist.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/second-derivative.gif

LargoWinch
06-16-09, 10:26 PM
Your Business Card looks like CRAP? It IS CRAP!

...what do you do guaranteed?

(I cannot stop laughing at this one :))


HD is oh so recommended! (2min.)
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4YBxeDN4tbk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4YBxeDN4tbk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

flintlock
06-19-09, 07:45 PM
Note to self, "Get pop up business card".:D

cjppjc
06-19-09, 09:50 PM
Note to self, "Get pop up business card".:D


I bet Lenny Dykstra has some. He just stiffed the printer, and is being sued.:eek:

bart
06-21-09, 07:31 PM
Deteriorata



Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Ro-tate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.

Chorus

You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.

ggirod
06-21-09, 09:29 PM
What a delight that is. It dates back 37 years to 1972!

“Deteriorato” by the Lemmings cast of National Lampoon Radio is an excellent satire of Les Crane's (a talk show host) recording of Desiderata.

<object width="425" height="344">


<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UJJBtmhRRl8&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></object>

Digidiver
06-23-09, 06:17 PM
http://i40.tinypic.com/978bvk.png

metalman
06-23-09, 08:22 PM
you and art... on the same wavelength... (http://www.itulip.com/forums/showthread.php?p=104996#post104996)

Digidiver
06-24-09, 12:48 AM
Whoops... missed that before... Oh well, it gets an encore!!!

LargoWinch
06-30-09, 06:23 AM
Where Credit is Due: A recap of how North Americans kept up with reduced real income until...

<OBJECT width=480 height=385>
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cejBW0EL26M&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></OBJECT></P>


Followed by Mr. Market:

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JfYdh-l01zI&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JfYdh-l01zI&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

we_are_toast
07-04-09, 05:23 PM
Cheap entertainment for iTulipers who won't go out and watch real fireworks because they're afraid they might miss some economic news.

WARNING: might be offensive to nationalistic Brits who hold 233 year grudges.

http://doody36.home.comcast.net/~doody36/liberty.htm (http://doody36.home.comcast.net/%7Edoody36/liberty.htm)

LargoWinch
07-11-09, 10:15 AM
"I will throw in a free VHS copy of Kindergarten Cop (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindergarten_Cop)" - :)



Arnold Bucks. (1min.)
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YVKMA--nt4I&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YVKMA--nt4I&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

raja
07-15-09, 04:50 PM
http://www.usdebtclock.org/

cjppjc
07-15-09, 11:06 PM
http://www.usdebtclock.org/


Oh you're a barrel of laughs.

GRG55
07-17-09, 09:37 PM
Time for another installment from Andy Borowitz:

McCain Attacks Washington, Republicans, Old White Men with White Hair

Most Ironic Speech to Date, Experts Say


<!-- Begin Content Area -->


It's been a while since Andy made an appearance here. From The Borowitz Report (http://borowitzreport.com/article.aspx?ID=7047)...



Goldman Sachs in Talks to Acquire Treasury Department

Sister Entities to Share Employees, Money

In what some on Wall Street are calling the biggest blockbuster deal in the history of the financial sector, Goldman Sachs confirmed today that it was in talks to acquire the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

According to Goldman spokesperson Jonathan Hestron, the merger between Goldman and the Treasury Department is "a good fit" because "they're in the business of printing money and so are we."

The Goldman spokesman said that the merger would create efficiencies for both entities: "We already have so many employees and so much money flowing back and forth, this would just streamline things."

Mr. Hestron said the only challenge facing Goldman in completing the merger "is trying to figure out which parts of the Treasury Dept. we don't already own."

Goldman recently celebrated record earnings by roasting a suckling pig over a bonfire of hundred-dollar bills.

Elsewhere, conspiracy theorists celebrated the 40<SUP>th</SUP> anniversary of NASA faking the moon landing.

And in South Carolina, Gov. Mark Sanford gave his wife a new diamond ring, while his wife gave him an electronic ankle bracelet.

don
07-19-09, 11:42 AM
WASHINGTON — Jamie Dimon (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/d/james_dimon/index.html?inline=nyt-per), the head of JPMorgan Chase (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/news/business/companies/morgan_j_p_chase_and_company/index.html?inline=nyt-org), will hold a meeting of his board here in the nation’s capital for the first time on Monday, with a special guest expected: the White House chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/e/rahm_emanuel/index.html?inline=nyt-per).

Mr. Emanuel’s appearance would underscore the pull of Mr. Dimon, who amid the disgrace of his industry has emerged as President Obama (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/o/barack_obama/index.html?inline=nyt-per)’s favorite banker, and in turn, the envy of his Wall Street rivals. It also reflects a good return on what Mr. Dimon has labeled his company’s “seventh line of business” — government relations.

The business of better influencing Washington, begun in late 2007, was jump-started just as the financial crisis (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/subjects/c/credit_crisis/index.html?inline=nyt-classifier) hit and the capital displaced New York as the nation’s money center. Then Mr. Obama’s election brought to power Chicago Democrats well-known to Mr. Dimon from his recent years running a bank there.

One of them is Mr. Emanuel, who has accepted the invitation to speak to the board pending a review by the White House counsel. The Treasury (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/organizations/t/treasury_department/index.html?inline=nyt-org) secretary, Timothy F. Geithner (http://topics.nytimes.com/top/reference/timestopics/people/g/timothy_f_geithner/index.html?inline=nyt-per), declined out of concern that he would be seen as too cozy with a company that has numerous business issues before the department.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:eek::D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:eek::D:D:D:D :D:p:D:D:D:eek::D:D:D

Jokes-On-Us...Now a Franchise! Call us for the exciting details....

LargoWinch
07-19-09, 05:38 PM
AIG and Market Risk :rolleyes: (28 sec.)

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9VvGW98D3XA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9VvGW98D3XA&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

LargoWinch
07-20-09, 10:25 PM
The future of Western Governments? (2min.)
<embed src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/1699160/white_house.swf" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" name="Metacafe_1699160" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1699160/white_house/">White House</a> - <a href="http://www.metacafe.com/">A funny movie is a click away</a></font>

GRG55
07-22-09, 09:36 AM
Sent to me by a friend in Blighty...sounds like it could have been written by Mega...



KING UNVEILS RADICAL PLAN TO F*%$ BRITAIN INTO MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK

BANK of England governor Mervyn King last night unveiled his latest radical plan to take Britain and f*%$ it squarely into the middle of next week.

Mr King and chancellor Alistair Darling agreed to increase the money supply after noticing how Britain was still not quite similar enough to Germany in 1932, or Zimbabwe this morning.

Mr King said: "Once we've laid the groundwork for hyper-inflation everything else should fall into place including the emergence of a strong, insane dictator, a nice new motorway network and our eventual annihilation."

Later today the government will release details of a scheme where people can hand in their wallets and purses in exchange for a shiny, new wheelbarrow to carry their money around in.

Across the country retailers are expected to soon begin pricing goods in wheelbarrows instead of pounds and pence. Newsagent WH Smith confirmed it will charge three and a half wheelbarrows for a can of Diet Fanta and a packet of Quavers.

Meanwhile economists are at odds over the new policy with some claiming it is pronounced 'quan-ti-ta-tive' while others have opted for the shorter, lazier 'quan-ta-tive'.

Dr Tom Booker, from Reading University, said: "It's the 'easing' bit that fascinates me. It makes it sound as if you're lowering yourself gently into a warm, soothing bath when in actual fact it's more like jumping head first into a swimming pool filled with spiders and glass."

He added: "What I'm particularly looking forward to is taking some news footage from this year and showing it in black and white alongside some film from Germany in the early Thirites to see if anyone can spot the difference.
"It'll be an amusing little game we can play when we're not murdering each other for a sausage roll."

Raz
07-26-09, 10:19 AM
I hope this hasn't already been posted, but if so, it's worth another read.




<O:p</O:p
I know this guy...its very sad....:o



<O:p</O:p
A Letter from
”Wayne”...


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding.
My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a fulltime job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won’t clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it’s difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man, so I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women can be as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Wayne


EDITOR’S NOTE:

Wayne died tragically on March 1<SUP>st</SUP> of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.











<O:p</O:p

ggirod
07-30-09, 06:54 AM
This is today's strip from one of the most creative strips around, http://www.sinfest.net (http://www.sinfest.net/)

http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2009-07-30.gif

WildspitzE
08-20-09, 04:09 PM
This may be a repost... buddy reminded me of it today:

"63 things that are oddly true....

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft..

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the **** was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people... I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way... We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die..

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a **** from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died..

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32.. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.

What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood..

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner."

don
08-20-09, 04:25 PM
These were great, or at least 40 or so of them were. Very high average. Just what I needed, an old fashion remedy after reading the post about FIRE's Pharmaceuticals :) Thanks.

LargoWinch
08-21-09, 03:45 PM
Goon Lake
http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/60500/Goon-Lake-60867.jpg

rabot10
08-21-09, 06:12 PM
A well known Vegas ventriloquist decides to take a week off in Wyoming</ST1:p at a dude ranch just to get some space. One day he sadles a horse and rides out alone for the afternoon. On a distant hill he sees a man sitting next to a horse and a couple of dogs rounding up a few dozen sheep.

He decides to ride over and have a look. He rides up to the sheep herder and introduces himself but the herder couldn’t seem less interested.
<O:p
So he decides to ask the herder “How do your dogs like herding sheep?”. The herder says "they like it fine". Well let me ask them myself the ventriloquist says “Hey, dogs how do you like this job?”
<O:p
Well the ventriloquist throws his voice and the dogs seem to reply “this is the worst job west of the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comhttp://www.itulip.com/forums/ /><st1:State alt=</st1:State><ST1:pMississippi</ST1:p"
<O:p
The herder says “hey noway dogs can’t talk”
<O:p
So the ventriloquist says to the herder, how’s your horse doing? Answer from the herder- "he’s doing fine the herder says" – well let me ask him myself. Hey horse how you doing? The horse answers “this guy needs to lose some weight big time he’s killing me”
<O:p
The herder says “man that’s bullshit horses can’t talk”
<O:p
So then the ventriloquist asks the herder how are the sheep doing? The herder answers “they are a bunch of freaken liars you can't believe a word they say!!”

don
08-30-09, 04:23 PM
Okay, I was drinking<o></o>



<o></o>




But not that much.<o></o>



<o></o>




They claimed I was over the limit.<o></o>



<o></o>




Something like 0.12%<o></o>



<o></o>




That’s nothing!<o></o>



<o></o>




Less then 1%<o></o>



<o></o>




By a big margin.<o></o>



<o></o>




I should know, I trade on the floor….<o></o>



<o></o>




Only Goldman can make a buck on that vig




<o></o>




But okay, I was over<o></o>



<o></o>




Legally<o></o>



<o></o>




But I was okay.<o></o>



<o></o>




It was that damn GPS<o></o>



<o></o>




I could hardly read the screen<o></o>



<o></o>




Every turn I made put me further from my destination.<o></o>



<o></o>




And Christ, what a voice.<o></o>



<o></o>




Can’t that be changed?<o></o>



<o></o>




So I had to text.<o></o>



<o></o>




My geek techie friend is responsible for me owning all this crap<o></o>



<o></o>




So I text’d him<o></o>



<o></o>




He had it coming<o></o>



<o></o>




Then I had to decipher all that damn shorthand he uses.<o></o>



<o></o>




What a Night<o></o>



<o></o>




What a Drive<o></o>



<o></o>




You’d think I’d get some sympathy<o></o>



<o></o>




At least from the judge<o></o>



<o></o>




(Unless he was Madoff’d!)<o></o>

flintlock
09-01-09, 08:34 PM
Not a joke but I thought it was funny.

From www.peopleofwalmart.com (http://www.peopleofwalmart.com)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/wwwpeopleofwalmartcom/243188470516#/pages/wwwpeopleofwalmartcom/243188470516?v=photos&viewas=0

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=299554&id=243188470516&l=95661dc747

tacito
09-02-09, 05:57 AM
While we european pigs (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain) could actually have deflation, you americans make me feel nostalgic. In the seventies, when I used to have so much hair, two spanish clowns made a news program where the economical news were always the same:

"Baja la bolsa."
"Sube el pescado."

"The bag (the stock exchange, the stocks) goes down."
"Fish goes up."

And you could see a bag like the bags women take when they go to the market going down left to the table. And a big fish going up at right.

The spanish peseta had an inflation rate of about 15% and the stocks were dead.

The dictatorship had just finished at the time and we have freedom of speech. But we didn't know if it was for real. So their goodbye was always:

"And next week, we'll talk about the goverment."

They were known as Tip and Coll.

The chart behind Tip is the Down August to December 2009.

http://www.popdelos80.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/finalessetenta.jpg

santafe2
09-04-09, 03:13 AM
I bet Lenny Dykstra has some. He just stiffed the printer, and is being sued.:eek:

Now that's a name I haven't heard in a while. True story:

Backgrounder for anyone who doesn't know the story, Dykstra got drunk in the middle of his career, 1991 or close to that, and drove his car into a tree.

Dodger stadium 1992. We've got seats about 4 rows up on first base and the Phillies are in town. Lenny comes up to bat and treats the on-deck circle like his own home. He looks back at us like he'd rather take the bat to all of us than the ball. He was a force of nature...but he strikes out and walks back to a few cat calls.

About inning 3 he strikes out again. Now he's pissed off and the fans are booing him. As he walks into the dugout he gives us all a look that let's us know he's going to kick some ass before the day is over.

Inning 6, he's on deck and not looking at anyone in the stands. Focused and ready to teach everyone in LA a lesson. But he strikes out for a third time. As he walks back, fans are riding him and tossing cups and other trash. He never looks up.

He comes up in the 9th. On deck and this time he turns around to let us know he's going to crush all of us for not believing. And the guy next to me yells out, "Hey Lenny, pretend the ball is a tree". Then everyone is yelling and laughing and all over Dykstra. If looks could kill the fan is a dead man. But they don't and Lenny strikes out a fourth time and as he walks back to the dugout he points the bat to my neighbor and walks down. The look is so cold, no one is laughing and more than a few people are wondering if the 3 foot fence is enough to keep him out. But as Dykstra disappears the fan turns to all of us within range and says, "I got him".

I was thinking, yeah but he's still got a bat. And we walked out of the park.

flintlock
09-04-09, 08:01 PM
An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and
he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had
parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

rabot10
09-05-09, 12:00 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"



"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and
worked on Obama's campaign and got him elected President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

metalman
09-08-09, 01:59 PM
salesman comes up to our house and knocks on the front door. it's opened by little ten year-old metalman who has a lighted joint in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

salesman... 'hello son. is your mom or dad home?'

little boy mm: 'what the f&ck do you think?'

flintlock
09-10-09, 05:30 PM
The pastor asked if a anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered
prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the Doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the
pain that poor Tom experienced.
She continued, "Tom was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

She continued, "Now, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. And I want to tell my wife, the word is STERNUM."

lurker
09-20-09, 09:39 PM
This one was on the radio yesterday and made me chuckle:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Spartacus
10-05-09, 10:54 PM
A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah.. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!'

don
10-30-09, 09:18 AM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]-->

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.<o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




My broker dreams of going hunting with Cheney<o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




Our Motel Six no longer leaves the light on <o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




The local bankers in my town play only miniature golf <o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




The Mafia is laying off judges.<o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




Exxon-Mobil laid off our Congressman (see above, Mafia)<o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can
you afford fries with that?"<o></o>



<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--> <!--[endif]--><o></o>




He had a point

I asked for an application<o></o>

Andreuccio
10-30-09, 10:51 AM
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:DoNotOptimizeForBrowser/> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]-->



I asked for an application<o></o>





Are they still accepting? I might head down there.

cobben
11-02-09, 04:13 PM
This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

metalman
11-02-09, 07:21 PM
This Ad Was Placed in the Personal column of a newspaper.


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Long's Drugstore, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

are you sure this belongs here no on the 'education & resources' forum? :D

cobben
11-03-09, 01:33 AM
"are you sure this belongs here "

Well, I thought about that for a few seconds & decided it was better in "rant/jokes" as being neutral ground. :)

LargoWinch
11-12-09, 09:27 PM
What about, bite me!
<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OI08582Ubbk&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OI08582Ubbk&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>

PS: Better late than never :)

GRG55
11-18-09, 12:19 AM
A few of the best lines following up Blankfein's doing "God's work" comment...



"Goldman Sachs is 100% categorically against abortion. We would never countenance aborting bonuses, at any part of the term but especially in late-term accrual, particularly when they've been earned in pursuit of such noble objectives as God's Work.


"I don't know who said it (probably the goyim uptown at JP Morgan), but there is no truth that our blessed chairman and pious CFO were overheard talking derisively about the great, munificent, and most magnanimous people of America, suggesting that "....couldn't tell the difference between kneeling down and bending over..."

"Goldman Sachs will NOT be reorganizing itself into a tax-exempt religious "ministry" (or Temple rather) in order to take advantage of such status to further pursue God's Works" ( and get the Gross-of-tax Roll-Up). Bank-holding company status was quite sufficient thankyouverymuch.

thunderdownunder
11-19-09, 04:53 PM
Great things and Government attempts

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
** Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
** Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
** Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
** Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

Spartacus
11-20-09, 02:36 PM
http://failblog.org/2009/11/20/suspicious-fail/

LargoWinch
11-20-09, 03:30 PM
http://failblog.org/2009/11/20/suspicious-fail/

The comments from the link are hilarious Sparta. (I think these people may do drugs. Just a hunch. :)

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-suspicious-fail.jpg

Spartacus
11-21-09, 12:26 AM
damn ...

did they just forget where they put it?

remind me not to give them the car keys. jeeez ...

doom&gloom
12-01-09, 12:54 AM
Warning for All Guys Going To Home Depot
A 'heads up' for you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers.


This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last 2 months I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your car, They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, September 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, Almost everyday this November and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.



P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

doom&gloom
12-04-09, 05:59 PM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_pCDyiFUv9XU/Sxkjy1XxjEI/AAAAAAAAHd0/VyP2JOPPVYk/s400/Tiger.bmp


1.What 's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive
a ball 400 yards.
2. What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing
3. Why did Tiger crash into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn 't
decide between a wood and an iron.
4. Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on
how to beat Tiger.
6. What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he
knows.
7. Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn 't fare very well on
the driveway.
8. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive
a golf ball.
9. Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.
Apparently, Tiger 's spraying his balls everywhere.
10. It turns out that fixing Tiger 's game and fixing his marriage
both require the same thing: better control over his putter.
11. Why was Tiger 's wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round
in Australia.
12. Given Tiger 's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai
affair?
13. Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat
family. Cheetah.
14. Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell
them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.
15. First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger Who are you? And
what are all these trees doing in my living room?
16. What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They 've both
been clubbed by a Norwegian.

don
12-06-09, 11:33 AM
Tiger, Tiger, Burning....

Attention, rich and famous athletes!

Your life is tough enough without having to go through the pain and embarrassment of getting caught with your pants down. Enroll now in my correspondence school, the College of Hijinks, Extramarital Affairs & Tomfoolery - CHEAT.

We're fully accredited by some government official I bribed with $100.

Here's just a sample of the invaluable lessons you'll learn at CHEAT:

-- Your foolin'-around expenses can be a tax write-off! "Leaves of Grass," $19.95. File these receipts under "business affairs." Sure it's illegal, but you won't get caught!

-- Whenever possible, try not to cheat on your mistress.
-- Endorsement-wise, align yourself with products that will remain a good fit if you are suddenly exposed, such as Cheetos, Ice Blue Secret, Range Rover.

-- Develop impersonations of famous people. Let "Jimmy Stewart" or "John Madden" leave that desperate phone message on your girlfriend's recording machine.

-- Keep those "special" phone numbers in a place your nosy wife won't look, like on your golf scorecard. (Get it? Scorecard?)

-- Don't expect a casual affair to be casual to your new squeeze. To you it's a quickie, to her it's the final scene in "An Officer and a Gentleman."

-- Be honest, but don't get carried away. If you tell a woman, "My wife just packed her bags and left me," skip the unnecessary details like, "to go to the hospital to give birth to our first child."

Order now! Don't get left out in the cold, lying next to your car, bleeding, shoeless ...

Scott Ostler, http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/12/06/SPVV1AV8IG.DTL

jiimbergin
12-06-09, 06:34 PM
<!--StartFragment -->

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON THIS YEAR!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

Search for a Virgin continues.

There will be no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

don
12-21-09, 07:42 PM
A Slow Day in Texas


It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is
beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody
is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with
a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is
conducting business today.


(left unmentioned is the $73 in FIRE transaction fees)
<o></o>

Anon21456
12-22-09, 10:05 AM
A Slow Day in Texas


It's a slow day in the little Texas town of Port O'Connor. The sun is
beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody
is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through.
He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk and says he
wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to
the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to
offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100
bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and
leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with
a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is
conducting business today.


(left unmentioned is the $73 in FIRE transaction fees)
<o></o>That joke is the best argument in favor of a fiat currency instead of a gold-based one. In a fiat currency the bank would have created the money that would have been used by everyone and they wouldn't have to wait for an hypothetical tourist.
I've often seen anti-capitalists & anti-liberals use this funny story without realizing how pro-credit currency it really is.

ggirod
12-22-09, 11:24 AM
That joke is the best argument in favor of a fiat currency instead of a gold-based one. In a fiat currency the bank would have created the money that would have been used by everyone and they wouldn't have to wait for an hypothetical tourist.
I've often seen anti-capitalists & anti-liberals use this funny story without realizing how pro-credit currency it really is.IMHO that may be mistaken. You notice that there was no bank in that story. If there had been, the loop would have ended with the bank, which would have "destroyed" the currency they created when they made the loan. In fact, the story is not the way the government works today. It is the way it worked when it was empowered to print its own money and did not have to borrow it from banks. In this story the money existed before and after the event. Otherwise it would not have reappeared on the desk to be paid back. Quite a difference in potential for optimism, huh!

jk
12-22-09, 11:34 AM
IMHO that may be mistaken. You notice that there was no bank in that story. If there had been, the loop would have ended with the bank, which would have "destroyed" the currency they created when they made the loan. In fact, the story is not the way the government works today. It is the way it worked when it was empowered to print its own money and did not have to borrow it from banks. In this story the money existed before and after the event. Otherwise it would not have reappeared on the desk to be paid back. Quite a difference in potential for optimism, huh!
the tourist was the bank- "lending" his cash at the beginning of the story. then he left town with it. no difference.

strittmatter
12-22-09, 11:55 AM
A Texan Moves North

Jan. 10 - It's 5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

Jan. 11 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidently covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 12 - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway a again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and pulled his trick again. Now much of the snow is brownish-gray.

Jan. 13 - It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan. 14 - Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into the guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit again last night. Both vehicles are covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 15 - It's 2 ******* degrees outside. More ******* snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the ******* house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Jan. 16 - Goddamn mother fuckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the corner and waits until I shovel the driveway. Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan. 17 - Six goddamn more inches of fuckin' snow and sleet and ice and no telling what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't feel my fuckin' toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit is predicted. Wind chill is 22 fuckin' degrees below mother fuckin' zero. I'm movin' my fuckin' ass back to Texas.

ggirod
12-22-09, 12:07 PM
the tourist was the bank- "lending" his cash at the beginning of the story. then he left town with it. no difference. I guess, then, the moral of the story is to borrow from your neighbor sans interest and not a bank with interest because that former process is frictionless and efficient. If, instead, each of the people had borrowed from the bank, that $100 from the tourist (or from the bank) would have disappeared because the bank owes nobody in the story, and that leaves nothing for subsequent repayments by the others. By loaning money magically into existence and necessarily destroying it upon payment, plus charging interest, the bank acts as a frictional drag on the economy, not a driver.

But there is a lesson to be learned ... following your model, for every ten or more individual neighborly borrowers, somebody has to go to the bank and get a 24 hour note to clear the debt all around the circle and then repay that note. That would actually work, cuts interest costs to insignificant and it sounds like a good way to solve our problems. :)

LargoWinch
01-25-10, 09:27 PM
Viewer's discretion is advised due to language, but nonetheless funny:



Financial Solution in 4min.
<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-cHhq5CVCmA&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-cHhq5CVCmA&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

GRG55
01-30-10, 09:53 AM
The cartoonists are having a field day with this thing...

http://www.cagle.com/working/100129/chappatte.gif (http://www.cagle.com/caglecards/main.asp?image=http://cagle.com/working/100129/chappatte.gif)

http://www.cagle.com/working/100128/gorrell.gif (http://www.cagle.com/caglecards/main.asp?image=http://cagle.com/working/100128/gorrell.gif)

http://www.cagle.com/working/100129/englehart.jpg (http://www.cagle.com/caglecards/main.asp?image=http://cagle.com/working/100129/englehart.jpg)

http://www.cagle.com/working/100129/cam.jpg (http://www.cagle.com/caglecards/main.asp?image=http://cagle.com/working/100129/cam.jpg)

flintlock
01-30-10, 07:42 PM
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jumpin Jehousafat and Saints be Praised ," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

kriden
01-30-10, 09:05 PM
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3u2qRXb4xCU&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3u2qRXb4xCU&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

ViC78
02-12-10, 01:18 PM
All the economic you'll ever need to know.
21 Economic Models Explained
(I like the Royal Bank of Scotland Venture Capitalism best.)
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ?Cowkimon? and market it
world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

LargoWinch
03-05-10, 08:10 PM
<object width="512" height="328" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="key=f5a57185bd" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><embed width="512" height="328" flashvars="key=f5a57185bd" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:center;width:512px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f5a57185bd/funny-or-die-s-presidential-reunion" title="from Will Ferrell, Chevy Chase, Ron Howard, Jim Carrey, Fred Armisen, Darrell Hammond, Dan Aykroyd, Maya Rudolph, Dana Carvey, FOD Team, Jake, and Antonio Scarlata">Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/will_ferrell">Will Ferrell</a></div>

peakishmael
03-12-10, 01:16 PM
Cats For Gold - turn your glitter to litter!
http://www.catsforgold.com/

dutch12
03-27-10, 09:14 PM
Marc faber a bear?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY73HXdwPos&feature=player_embedded

LargoWinch
04-02-10, 09:09 AM
Obama Saves The World With Rainbow-Powered Unicorns!


<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JtxqtBq0uVw&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JtxqtBq0uVw&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>

dutch12
04-05-10, 12:51 PM
http://www.just-a-regular-guy.com/2009/11/23/obama-meets-chinese-president-saturday-night-live-style/

thunderdownunder
05-01-10, 01:39 AM
Perceptions from a screen jockey
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_RHwzqq5yGy0/S9sRhQEEp5I/AAAAAAAAAvo/9jW136JSEtA/s1600/the+Lloyd+Blankfein+Top.jpg
Nice likeness - with well formed head and shoulders

kriden
05-01-10, 04:45 PM
Saw this for the first time today so if it was posted previously, please delete.

UNDERSTANDING DERIVATIVES IN LAYMAN TERMS

An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger.

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These Securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.

jk
05-01-10, 10:22 PM
Saw this for the first time today so if it was posted previously, please delete.

UNDERSTANDING DERIVATIVES IN LAYMAN TERMS

An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger.

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These Securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
i think this post is in the wrong thread.

flintlock
05-06-10, 08:06 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

thunderdownunder
06-01-10, 04:16 AM
Well it is funny - enjoy
image001.jpg (32.0 KB), image002.jpg (43.2 KB), image003.jpg (32.0 KB), image004.jpg (29.0 KB), image005.jpg (32.8 KB), image006.jpg (21.5 KB), image007.jpg (32.0 KB), image008.jpg (64.0 KB), image009.jpg (32.0 KB), image010.jpg (64.0 KB), image011.jpg (32.0 KB), image012.jpg (32.0 KB), image013.jpg (32.0 KB), image014.jpg (64.0 KB), image015.jpg (40.1 KB), image016.jpg (64.0 KB), _AVG cert...txt (0.2 KB)

LargoWinch
06-01-10, 09:43 AM
Well it is funny - enjoy
image001.jpg (32.0 KB), image002.jpg (43.2 KB), image003.jpg (32.0 KB), image004.jpg (29.0 KB), image005.jpg (32.8 KB), image006.jpg (21.5 KB), image007.jpg (32.0 KB), image008.jpg (64.0 KB), image009.jpg (32.0 KB), image010.jpg (64.0 KB), image011.jpg (32.0 KB), image012.jpg (32.0 KB), image013.jpg (32.0 KB), image014.jpg (64.0 KB), image015.jpg (40.1 KB), image016.jpg (64.0 KB), _AVG cert...txt (0.2 KB).


Hmmm, not really working...

Anon21456
06-01-10, 01:36 PM
That was the joke.
I guess.

nitroglycol
06-04-10, 08:59 AM
http://newsarse.com/2010/06/02/israel-and-palestine-insist-violence-can-solve-everything-actually/

jiimbergin
06-04-10, 09:37 AM
http://newsarse.com/2010/06/02/israel-and-palestine-insist-violence-can-solve-everything-actually/

I know that was a spoof, but quite frankly I do not think that is funny.

nitroglycol
06-04-10, 07:00 PM
I know that was a spoof, but quite frankly I do not think that is funny.
By "do not think that is funny", do you simply mean it failed to amuse you, or that you actually found it offensive? If so, I'm curious as to why.

jk
06-04-10, 08:32 PM
By "do not think that is funny", do you simply mean it failed to amuse you, or that you actually found it offensive? If so, I'm curious as to why.
i assumed he was joking

LargoWinch
06-10-10, 08:24 AM
The 16 Stages of Job Loss

Disbelief
Intoxication
Acceptance
Optimism
Compulsive Resume Writing
Optimism
Daytime Television
Resume Revision
Optimism
Disbelief
Intoxication
Desperate Resume Revision
Weight Gain
Facial Hair
Cartoons
Blogging

ThePythonicCow
06-10-10, 11:43 AM
The 16 Stages of Job Loss
There's a shorter version of this:


The 2 Stages of Job Loss
Blogging (on the job)
Job Lost

don
06-29-10, 07:17 PM
BP announced that they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe today,

and it immediately quit putting out.

BiscayneSunrise
07-22-10, 08:53 PM
http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQUBtw-V3GDaxuLfiK4nn1m0VLB6EuNWofCNoHHnnhYcmmXdkA&t=1&usg=__MdMuYuSRRqO3vh3Dv3xLfshQoIc=

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.
But the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie
was left.

'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'

metalman
09-14-10, 09:17 PM
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

LargoWinch
10-30-10, 09:35 PM
Greg, that was great!

Here is a goldie but goodie:

<object width="640" height="505"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mN3z3eSVG7A?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0&amp;color1=0x234900&amp;co lor2=0x4e9e00"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mN3z3eSVG7A?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US&amp;rel=0&amp;color1=0x234900&amp;co lor2=0x4e9e00" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="505"></embed></object>

LargoWinch
10-31-10, 09:35 AM
Krugman I...

(the best is at 0:27)


<object width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NzdhKM5o1V8&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NzdhKM5o1V8&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed></object>

don
12-18-10, 11:12 AM
<table class="yiv127439353yiv1536528629MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr></tr><tr><td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top">

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.



Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily.



My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm,full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.



Probing, searching,knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling,holding out my purse.



"You can board your flight now."















</td></tr></tbody></table>

Anon21456
12-18-10, 11:21 AM
Very funny :D

metalman
02-11-11, 11:06 PM
http://i.imgur.com/aqwTr.jpg

LargoWinch
02-19-11, 10:21 PM
Armageddon!
<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3_Jt_g10Jug" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

LargoWinch
03-03-11, 08:13 PM
<object width="512" height="328" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000"><param name="movie" value="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" /><param name="flashvars" value="key=521706ecf7" /><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true" /><embed width="512" height="328" flashvars="key=521706ecf7" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" src="http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object><div style="text-align:center;width:512px;"><a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/521706ecf7/robocop-speaks-to-detroit" title="from Peter Weller, Kevin Oeser, Brian Lane, Dustin Bowser, FOD Team, and Christopher Farah">RoboCop Speaks to Detroit</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/peter_weller">Peter Weller</a></div>

flintlock
03-04-11, 03:12 PM
Not a joke but I thought some of you engineers would appreciate this:

<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/S_GM1UciGoQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

don
03-04-11, 04:33 PM
Guys we would have enjoyed presenting this 'material' . . .


http://img3.ranker.com/list_img/13661/308284/full/the-funniest-stand-up-comedians-in-entertainment.jpg?version=1296140891000


http://www.postalmuseum.si.edu/tt/images/20.jpg


http://startupblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/steven_wright.jpg






http://www.dirtygarnet.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Groucho-Marx-Comedians-comedian-and-fashionable-with-the-young-even-in-old-age..jpg

LargoWinch
04-06-11, 07:50 AM
Only in Amerika:

<object width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2LtBSqGzi3o&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2LtBSqGzi3o&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed></object>

LargoWinch
08-07-11, 10:03 AM
You can't take it back...
<iframe width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/W4hfdaC7eL4?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

bart
08-07-11, 11:40 AM
http://www.nowandfutures.com/grins/g3/greece.jpg