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FRED
05-20-07, 11:29 PM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a (P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best for last ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget!

Andreuccio
05-23-07, 03:14 PM
I was poking around a little prior to bumping up to select user status, and I found this. Hilarious. I'm sold. Don't know how I'll fare on my investments, but I'll laugh my butt off here.

bart
05-23-07, 06:30 PM
Everyone has heard dumb blond jokes, but what about "dumb men:? ;)


How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call. Who are these women?
Women working at 900 numbers.

How is a man like a used car?
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much," a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.

What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

itulipfan
05-23-07, 08:37 PM
What a perfect place to Rant and Rave and Laugh - let it all out and be yourself once a while! - don't think! - for a moment - ;o) - it's awful that we have to think of so many things before we ever do anything! sometimes...

Politics and education
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Jim Nickerson
05-23-07, 11:26 PM
The ravages of aging.

Old wife takes older husband to doctor. Doctor tells husband, "I need a stool, urine, and semen specimen." Husband hard of hearing asks wife, "What did he say?" Wife answers, "Give him your shorts."


Old husband and deaf wife driving to Las Vegas and stop at a country service station that has full service. As attendant is telling husband how much the gas bill is, he asks, "On your way to Las Vegas?" Husband nods. Attendant warns. "Be careful there, the worst sex I ever had was there with an incredibly bad woman." Wife says, "What'd he say?" Husband replies, "He says he met you years ago in Las Vegas."

Andreuccio
05-24-07, 01:53 PM
A man goes into a doctor's office. The doctor looks at his chart and says, "This can't be right. It says here you're 76, but you look like you're in your 40s. How do you do it?"

"My wife and I have this agreement," says the man. "Whenever she gets mad at me, I go outside and wait while she goes into the kitchen and cools off."

"How does that help?", asked the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

Jim Nickerson
06-27-07, 01:30 PM
New Rules For 2007
attributed to George Carlin

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low-fat, iced-vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra-dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It probably translates to "beef with broccoli."

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger Mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it'sjust a different version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake, don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"<O:p

zoog
12-07-07, 01:24 PM
Saw this one on Minyanville


Three economists went hunting and came across a bear. The first economist fired his gun, but missed by a foot to the right. The second economist fired his gun, but missed by a foot to the left. The third economist didn't fire his gun, but shouted in triumph "We got it! We got it!"

jimmygu3
12-07-07, 11:09 PM
New Rules For 2007

attributed to George Carlin


For some reason lots of internet quotes get falsely attributed to Carlin. These are from Bill Maher. Funny stuff!